Improvement

My Dad has eased up a little on his drinking and has also visited the doctor. Mum kept telling him that she was going to make an appointment for him and go with him but he sorted it himself. He told the doctor about his lack of appetite and that his feet have been too painful for him to walk. He’s suffered from arthritis for a long time and has probably been drinking to numb the pain.

Anyway, she gave him some different painkillers and said he could reduce his blood pressure tablets. Apparently they can cause a reduced appetite when taken long term.

Whether it’s his reduced alcohol consumption over the last few days, his change in medication or a bit of both, he’s eaten more and been more mobile which is great. He’s been more positive in his outlook so I’m hoping he keeps it up.

Mum and I are encouraging him and telling him how much better he has been so fingers crossed.

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Lovely surprise

So, Rob came back again and explained that all his iMessages had been stored on his computer including every chat, naughty pic and video we have exchanged!! He must have all his gadgets linked up and though he’s always deleted everything off his phone or iPad, he didn’t realise his messages had also been saved on his computer until he investigated why it was running slower than it used to!

Anyway we chatted a bit and he asked if I’d had any new lingerie lately. Now, he’s asked my size before and said he’ll treat me but he never has, so I just assumed that it was hot air again. Imagine my surprise when a package arrived at work for me today!! I couldn’t believe he’d actually done it and couldn’t wait to get home and try it on. Its a beautiful petrol blue bra with black lace trim and matching knickers. Very classy and I love them.

I know it will only be a matter of time before he goes quiet one me again. That’s what he does. But I do believe that he is genuine about his feelings for me. Can I be happy being ‘the other woman’ while he works out what he really wants long term? I don’t know. Am I happy right now? Yes I am. Do I want more ? I want to meet him. Will that ever happen? Again, I don’t know.

Good Friday

I went to the Good Friday service at church today. Although I attend every Sunday, I haven’t been on Good Friday for several years. It’s a very solemn service and, I have to admit, not one of my favourites. It can feel quite depressing. After all, it is the day of the crucifixion of Jesus.
I was pleased I’d gone tonight though. The vicar spoke about at length about forgiveness and the words of one of the hymns really meant a lot to me:

My Lord, what love is this
That pays so dearly
That I, the guilty one
May go free!

Chorus:
Amazing love, O what sacrifice
The Son of God given for me
My debt he pays, and my death he dies
That I might live, that I might live!

And so they watched him die
Despised, rejected
But oh, the blood he shed
Flowed for me!

And now, this love of Christ
Shall flow like rivers
Come wash your guilt away
Live again!

I have found the last few years difficult and struggled with my faith in that I’ve had times when I’ve felt guilty. I used to pray to be a good wife and good mother. I no longer ask to be a good wife; instead I ask for guidance in my life. I’ve never had any life changing visions or anything dramatic like that, but I have found strength when I’ve needed it. I felt tonight that, yes I may have made mistakes and yes, I’ll more than likely make more in my life; but God will forgive me, guide me and give me strength to try again.

Strong but weak

After I posted my poem, I resolved to give Rob up for Lent.
As you know, I’d deleted his number but I hadn’t blocked him on messenger though he’d blocked me. In my head I gave him a deadline of 14th February which was the first day of Lent this year (coincidently also Valentine’s Day) to get back in touch. I was determined to block him if he didn’t and I seriously didn’t expect to hear from him again this time. But I was wrong. He messaged me on the Friday before Lent started, apologising for being quiet but that was because he’d been rumbled. His wife had seen something on his phone. I asked him if he wanted me to stick around or go away. He said he needs me, always has.
I also asked him what Tom had said when he messaged him in November. Apparently something along the lines of ‘does your wife know you’ve been texting my wife?’ And he sent a similar message to Rob’s wife. I asked Rob what he’d done and he said he’d replied to Tom apologising if he thought it was inappropriate and told me that his wife ‘couldn’t give a shit’ ‘she knows I’ve not seen you and is not remotely bothered’.
I’m guessing that’s not entirely true judging by his disappearing act.

I didn’t post this straight away and true to form, he’s gone again! We had two weeks of texting culminating in a raunchy FaceTime chat during which he said we would chat the next day to arrange something. I heard nothing. I sent 3 messages with no reply then 5 days after my last message he disappeared. I gave him a week to come back (I know!! Stupid and soft headed!) He did ‘reappear’ on the deadline day, but I didn’t actually hear anything until last Friday. I woke to find he’d sent a thumbs up sign on messenger after I’d gone to bed the night before. I couldn’t reply though as he’s gone again!
So there you go, I’m still a fool for him, a lost cause.
My heart still feels we need to meet. My head says he probably will come back again at some point but if he doesn’t then that’s his loss. What will be, will be, as the saying goes. I’m content to do nothing for now. After all, I’ve no desire at the moment in going looking for someone else. I want to get my own place and enjoy living on my own with my son. I do feel happier and stronger in myself though I think I will always have a weakness for Rob.

 

 

Feeling good

I’m feeling quite positive recently and generally calm and accepting of my situation.

After weeks of waiting for my pension information to come through, Tom then announced that he didn’t want to take any of my money and just wanted to get things moving, so suggested we go back to our original agreement! Well I’m perfectly happy with that! I’ve sent off the divorce application and seen a solicitor to set the financial consent order in progress. Hopefully, it’s now just a matter of waiting for the official stuff to take its course.

James had a parents’ evening at school and I was very pleased with his progress. His teacher said “he’s a delight to teach” and doing well. Cue one very proud mummy. Tom and I went together and at the end we explained that we had separated and asked the teacher if she had noticed anything. She said James hadn’t mentioned anything and she hadn’t noticed any changes in his behaviour. I’m reassured that he’s taking it in his stride and maybe even benefitting from having a happier Mum.

I also had a boost when I went out for dinner with the pantomime cast. I was sitting with some of the younger ones (ranging from 14 to late 20s) and was delighted when they thought I was 6 years younger than I am.

I’ve also had people commenting that I’m looking happier. I definitely feel more content than I have in a long time, so again, I’m reassured that I’m on the right path.

Snow induced sobriety

The snow in England over the last few days has meant an enforced sobriety for my dad as he’d got through his supplies and couldn’t get out for more! His car is useless in just the slightest snow. I was fine for the commute to work and school as I have winter tyres, so I picked up essential groceries as needed. I’ve had plenty of exercise too as I’ve cleared the drive of snow on four out of the last five mornings. James got a snow day on Thursday as his school was closed that day, which was my day off too so we managed to enjoy the snow albeit briefly due to the cold!
We played Scrabble on Thursday night when James had gone to bed and I commented on how ‘on the ball’ Dad seemed. I know my mum has had words with him and when they could get out on Friday, he only bought one bottle of whiskey. (He’s been going through a bottle each of whiskey, vodka and gin a week and sometimes brandy too). Whether he can maintain his reduced consumption when the thaw sets in is probably doubtful but we will see.

Pantomime fun

Just got home from the last performance of the pantomime I’ve been in. Despite being really worried around Christmas that I’d taken too much on and was never going to learn my lines, it all came together and I’ve enjoyed every performance. It’s been just what I needed and I feel as though the old fun part of me has made a return.
All the cast are going out for a meal in a couple of weeks and I’ll be signing up for next year’s show.