Had my mum and dad round for dinner today. It’s been a long time since I cooked a proper Sunday dinner for more than just the three of us and I have to say I was a bit disappointed with my effort, though my parents said it was nice. Tom managed to fit in a quick visit to the pub before they arrived which means he’s been every day since Tuesday this week. He bought a new bottle of Southern Comfort as he’d gone through the one I’d got in my weekly shop on Monday. This has now depleted by half (shared with my Dad to be fair) but by rough calculation I reckon my husband has consumed over 80 units of alcohol this week. He had a couple of days without drinking a week or two back so in his words “I’m not an alcoholic as I don’t need a drink every day”
Whatever, I don’t care.
I haven’t posted in a while but that’s because there’s no real change to report.
Tom and I had a weekend away with James which was fine until the last night when Tom had far too much to drink and started asking why I wasn’t trying harder, especially in the bedroom department. I advised it wasn’t the best time to be talking about this (we were all in a restaurant at the time) but he said that didn’t matter. Although neither of us was raising our voice, I’m sure James could tell by our tone as he started asking Tom for money as a fine because “you’re not being nice to mummy”. He said if I want to leave then I’m not having the house. I felt resolved to leave and figure something else out.
Since we’ve been home, we have had a chat and I’ve explained that I’m finding sex hard as I can’t pretend anymore and that I don’t know how prostitutes can do it. I said he’s not doing anything wrong but I’m not there emotionally and that affects my performance. He asked if I’d felt like this since before having James and I said yes. He said that was a shame but then said that we’re not splitting up. He doesn’t want to be without me and doesn’t want to be a parttime dad. He wants me to see the GP as he thinks I need HRT and that will “fix” me. I’m considering booking an appointment to appease him, but I know it’s not that. There’s no magic pill to make you love someone. I wish he could just accept that my feelings are gone and that’s that. Instead he’s convinced that I’m broken and he can mend me. I do feel I want to leave and get my own place (I’m not naive enough to believe I’ll be running off into the sunset with Rob) but then I start thinking about everyone else who will be affected. Our parents are all getting older and showing it more now, especially his parents and my dad. I think my mum would actually be ok about it. I worry that if I leave, then that will cause them undue stress, which they don’t need at their time of life. On the other hand, I don’t think I can maintain the status quo for the next 10 years.
Is it better to sacrifice my own potential happiness for the sake of everyone else? Am I just being selfish thinking of myself? Shouldn’t I just be grateful for what I have and believe my husband when he says that all marriages end up like this? I’m feeling a bit stuck at the moment.
I found out yesterday that my next door neighbour may have lung cancer. He’s having a biopsy but has shadows over both lungs. His youngest son is one year older than James and his wife is due to have a operation next week too. That together with the events in Spain made me think I’m selfish for not being happy with what I have, but it also made me think that life is too short to not make the most of every opportunity.
Two nights ago Rob and I had a two hour text conversation which became a bit of a heart to heart. I’ve kept thinking that his quiet episodes have been due to him feeling conflicted about what we’re doing and I’m now more inclined than ever to believe this. He asked if I wanted a one off or more and if we were leaving our spouses. I told him I think I want more and asked if he felt the same. He said he does. Last night we chatted again and I asked him if this is what he wanted to happen when he got in touch with me. He said it was, though he didn’t think I would too. I asked if he’d done anything like this before and he said not. We still haven’t yet arranged to meet in person, which I think we really need to do. I don’t think it will be possible for the next few weeks as it’s the school holidays meaning we’re both pretty busy, but hopefully it will happen eventually.
Maybe I’m being naive or wanting too much, but I do think he is being genuine or at least I believe he means it when he says he loves me, even if it is just in those moments.
Rob texted me not long after my last post! He apologised and said he’d been “absurdly busy with all manner of family stuff”, then asked if I’d had a good birthday. I’ve played it a bit cool with him. I appreciate that he may well have been very busy but after all, it takes all of 30 seconds to send a Happy Birthday text!
I’m glad I posted my frustrations on here instead of texting him.
I’m so stupid, believing your ‘love you’s’
Thinking that you feel the way I do
When it’s just fun for you
I’m just a toy to you
To pick up when you’re bored
With nothing else to do
I didn’t want much, Just to know I crossed your mind
On my birthday, Didn’t need a gift of any kind
A text, two words would have done
All you had to say
But nothing at all
I waited all day
Please don’t treat me like this
It isn’t fair
I need to know that you really care
if you want me then let it show
But if you don’t, then let me go
Last week there was a lot of messaging between Rob and I and we had a phone call too on Thursday during which he asked if I would be free this coming Wednesday to meet up! That was the only day I had definite plans! He asked me to let him know when would be a good time for him to call me again so we could sort something out. Our phone call ended with him saying “love you” and I reciprocated. We texted some more on Friday then quiet over the weekend which is often the case. Yesterday was my birthday and I heard nothing from him. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting a gift of any kind, just a “happy birthday” text. I guess he scared himself by actually suggesting a date. If I had been free, he would probably have only stood me up anyway.
As for my actual celebrations, we had a family meal out which was nice (though eating out meant Tom could also fit in a few pints too whilst I drove – no birthday tipple until I got home) and today we have a family day out planned.