Conversation with Dad

My mum was out tonight and Dad ended up “having a chat” with me about my marriage. He’d been drinking I think (didn’t actually see him with a drink but he was slurring and repetitive) so I’m trying not to be too upset. He probably won’t even remember the conversation in the morning. I know he thinks very strongly about marriage which is one of the reasons I haven’t spoken much with my parents before about things. He asked what my feelings were towards Tom. I told him I have no feelings. He said he couldn’t understand that and that if indeed, I felt nothing then perhaps there was a chance Tom could change and I might go back! He kept saying he just wants to help but doesn’t know how and that a child needs both his parents. He asked if I thought Tom might join us on Christmas Day for dinner. I said I thought that would be a bit awkward. He again suggested that he would do what he could to help which I know he meant “to help us get back together and make it work”. I said I didn’t want to go back and that I haven’t missed him since I’ve been gone. I also added that if I did go back it would only be to please everyone else ie. parents, in-laws, Tom and of course James. We kind of finished our conversation there.
I will not let myself be guilted into going back.

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Difficult weekend

James asked me twice over the weekend why we can’t all live together in one house. On Saturday he asked how long we were going to stay at Grans. Then on Sunday when Tom dropped him off, he again said he wanted us to be all together in the same house. I said that sometimes mummy’s and daddy’s get on better when they live in different houses. He said he didn’t want either of us to be lonely. I said that sometimes people can feel more lonely when they’re in the same house as someone else but not getting on very well. We had a cuddle and he seemed ok with that. I wonder if Tom has said something or not. I feel a bit guilty for breaking the family up but I know that if I go back I will feel as though I’m trapped and slowly dying. Surely a happy mummy means a happy child?
Any doubts I may have, I just remind myself of Tom’s text at lunchtime on Sunday asking if he could drop James off half an hour earlier as that would fit better with meeting his brother later. In other words, it was more convenient for him getting to the pub and another reminder that alcohol scores higher on his priorities than time with his son.

New routine

I’ve been at my parents for two weeks now and starting to settle into a new routine. James seems to be taking things in his stride. He’s been upset a couple of times when there’s been a particular toy he’s wanted which is at ‘home’ and I’ve said he has to wait until he sees Daddy or we can call for it one day after school, but he’s not had any meltdowns or asked when are we going back. I thought the days Tom picks him up for school or has him over night might cause a problem, but he’s happily been collected by me or dropped off at my parents, without a fuss. As my friend said, it’s things that he’s missing rather than home.

Tom phoned me yesterday afternoon to say he wasn’t coping well, his mum was upset and also one of our pets wasn’t eating – he thought he was pining for me. I wasn’t sure what he was expecting me to say or do. Was he just wanting to let his feelings out or try to guilt me into going back? I feel bad that people are upset by the situation, but I can’t stay with him just to please everybody else. I reminded him about my conversation with the counsellor last summer when I’d said I wanted my own house but felt I couldn’t because it would upset too many people. Tom agrees that I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my happiness for everybody else and he also reiterated that he knows things haven’t been right for years and that this is for the best in the long run; he’s just struggling to accept it. He asked how I can be so strong. I told him I have to be, but that I’ve also done my crying, many times mainly in private.
I suppose I’ve also had more time to get used to the idea as it’s something I’ve wanted for awhile. The difficult part has been actually doing it. Yes, there is a part of me that wonders if it’s the right choice, but I think that’s more from fear of the unknown. I certainly don’t feel as though I’m really missing Tom in any way. I’m looking forward to hopefully, having my own house by this time next year.

Adapting

Now I’m over the initial shock of actually leaving my husband, I’m settling in quite well at my parents. More importantly, so is James. Tom picked him up from school last Wednesday and gave him his tea then I collected him when I finished work. On Friday Tom picked him up again and had him overnight, returning him to me on Saturday afternoon. James had got the class mascot for the weekend which thrilled him to bits. On Sunday night I read him a story about feelings and asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about. He said yes, then proceeded to ask me why his teachers didn’t like him playing pretend army games with his friends at school!
He seems to be just taking it all in his stride. Tom and I are being amicable which is good though when I saw him today to collect James after work, he said “I’ve no-one to shag now” then said to let him know if I fancied it! Er no, I haven’t actually wanted to have sex with you in years so why would I want to now! I just said nothing.

Alcoholism

I’ve been at my parents for three nights now. Saturday afternoon when I first arrived and Sunday, my dad was his ‘old self’ (he’s been up and down health wise for a few years). He discussed what had gone on and even suggested that he and Mum might be able to help me purchase my own house if needed.
Monday, he was very different. I was out most of the day and when I got back around teatime, he seemed quite confused. He was having trouble operating his tv and recorder, so I helped sort it for him. He asked if I’d heard from Tom and I told him I had. I asked Mum if he’d been drinking as I do know he has a bit of a habit. It used to be funny when I was in my late teens to see him tipsy on holiday but it’s more worrying now. He didn’t eat much tea and was later again struggling with his tv control and again asked if I’d heard from Tom. He then complained that he thought his spectacles needed altering as he’d got double vision. I tactfully suggested that maybe he was tired though I’m certain he was drunk. This was confirmed by the way he staggered when he made his way up to bed later. My mum said this is regular behaviour. I told her that I think Tom is an alcoholic and that I didn’t want to be living like that in 30 years time. I think she understands my situation more than I thought and that while she believes I shouldn’t have been the one to move out, she’s actually glad of the company. It seems girls do marry men like their fathers even if they don’t realise it at the time.

Breaking point

The revelation of my texting affair has caused Tom to finally accept what I’ve been trying to tell him for months. My feelings towards him are gone and not likely to come back. Yes, perhaps I should have revealed all earlier. I’m sure there’s more than one reader thinking “I told you so”. Maybe part of me wanted to be caught out as my communication skills are so lacking.
Anyway, I’m currently back at my parents house for the immediate future. I arrived last night then collected James this morning.
Last night I was out with some work colleagues to see a comedian. It had been booked for months so I wasn’t missing it and he was really good so it helped a lot.
When I went collect James and some clothes for the week, Tom asked if I could be as quick as possible as he just wanted to be on his own for a bit. He later texted me asking me not to post on Facebook about our separation yet. I thought he knew me better than that. I’m not someone who uses Facebook as a public diary of my life. All I have done is made my relationship status private so no one can see and that won’t be announced for all to see.
As for me, I think I’m numb at the moment. I can’t quite believe it’s happening. My parents are being very supportive though and I’m just planning day to day for now.

Playing with fire

So, last night Tom was eating tea and suddenly said he’d lost his appetite. He went out of the room and came back later asking if he could have a word and could I bring my phone. I deleted a text conversation that was still there from an earlier chat with Rob which was just as well as that’s what he was calling me on! He’d somehow caught a glimpse of it and seen the following: me “I can’t be perfect all the time x” Rob “I’d disagree x”
He asked why we were texting each other and using kisses. I said we just text each other from time to time. He asked when I last saw him and I truthfully replied that I haven’t seen him for 20 years. James wanted our attention then so we didn’t talk again until after he’d gone to bed. Tom asked if I was going to run off with Rob. I said not. He asked if I was planning on running off with anyone. I said no, but I would like my own house. We then went round our usual circle of how that would upset everyone and I said in that case I have no option but to carry on as we are but that it’s hard. His response was “that’s marriage”. He wants me to stay until our parents have died and James is older.

I didn’t lie, but neither was I completely open though I answered the questions he asked me. I know it sounds ridiculous but there’s more chance of me staying with Tom whilst I’m in contact with Rob and I wonder if on some level he realises that too as he didn’t make any demands on me to stop contact with Rob or ask how I felt about him. I don’t know what I would have said if he had.
I know I’m playing with fire and I’m going to get burned.