Pantomime fun

Just got home from the last performance of the pantomime I’ve been in. Despite being really worried around Christmas that I’d taken too much on and was never going to learn my lines, it all came together and I’ve enjoyed every performance. It’s been just what I needed and I feel as though the old fun part of me has made a return.
All the cast are going out for a meal in a couple of weeks and I’ll be signing up for next year’s show.

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Dad

Mum and I are worried about my Dad. He has arthritis and also trouble breathing, which the cold weather makes worse. He doesn’t have much interest in doing anything and we wonder if he’s depressed. If that is the case then his drinking certainly won’t be helping! As my mum has said, and I’ve now witnessed myself since living with them, he is quite sensible in a morning, but she can’t have a serious conversation with him in the evening.
We’ve decided to take advantage of the calendar to try and persuade him to curb his drinking. He’s booked a table at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day to take Mum out for lunch. He’s since commented on how he feels conflicted as to whether or not they should be eating out as, this year, Valentine’s Day falls on the first day of Lent. I quickly suggested that if we all give up alcohol for Lent, then he has nothing to worry about as they can still enjoy a nice meal but without any wine.
I don’t think he’s too impressed with this idea, but hopefully he will try. We did say we would still have wine with Sunday dinner as a compromise of sorts.
I’ll keep you posted on how we go.

Looking forward

I don’t think I appreciated how long it takes to sort things out financially and legally once you’ve actually acted on the decision to separate. Even though I follow people on here who have gone through it! I realise now that these things take time and that’s just how it is. I’m trying not to be disappointed that I can’t realistically look at houses yet and instead I’m looking forward to events that are booked in my diary.

In the Spring I’m going on a hen weekend which will involve a burlesque lesson and a cabaret show. It sounds like it will be a great, fun, girly weekend and just what I need!

At the end of May, myself and James are going away for a week with my friend and her son, like we did last year. We all got on well and hopefully, we will do again.

August sees the wedding of one of my best friends (hence the hen party!) and as I will be going on my own, I can fully dedicate myself to the role of bridesmaid.

I’m also in a pantomime that runs for 3 nights in a couple of weeks, but that’s a bit more stressful as I’m not confident of my lines yet, though I am enjoying the rehearsals.

Four events in my diary already, and nicely spaced out too, so plenty to keep me focussed whenever I feel a bit despondent.

Still thinking of him

I loved your attention but now that it’s gone
It’s time to let go and time to move on
Part of me hopes you’ll come back one day
But if you can’t treat me better, please stay away

I have to face facts, it’s not meant to be
If it were so, then we would both be free
We’re destined to be forever apart
Though you will always have a piece of my heart

I still think of Rob a lot, though I am making a considered effort not to. He did get back in touch, but only briefly – a phone call and a few days of texts – then disappeared again. I’m still inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt with regards to his feelings for me (I know, I’m a soft touch), but I don’t intend to let him play with me any more. After all, if I was happy being taken for granted, then I would have stayed with Tom!

Crap day

I started today in a positive frame of mind. I was going to see a mortgage advisor in the morning and viewing a house in the afternoon. The day did not go well.
Firstly, the mortgage advisor said I couldn’t have as much mortgage as I was hoping for, then I had a phone call from Tom to say he had seen a solicitor who had advised that he is entitled to half the value of my pension and therefore, my share from the equity in the house will be reduced to compensate. Double whammy. I’m pissed off. I knew he would be entitled to half my pension and I had spoken to him about that very thing last week as I knew any solicitor worth their salt would bring it up. What annoys me is that last week he told me he didn’t want a share of it. I had told him I wouldn’t be happy if he did as over the years I have asked him several times about starting a pension for himself and he has always said he didn’t want one. Also, I’m the one who has had the inconvenience of moving out, causing more travel for me and I’m the one who will have to furnish a new house completely.
I felt like there was no point viewing the house but I went anyway and that made me feel slightly better as, even if I could have still afforded it, it needed far too much work doing on it for me. I’m feeling really flat tonight though as I’d been thinking I would soon have my deposit and mortgage confirmed and be in a position to view houses seriously and now I’m back in limbo.
I see my solicitor on Thursday and it will be interesting to see what he has to say.
So much for keeping things amicable.

Birthday unity

James had his 6th birthday party today. He had wanted it at home which was fine as Tom and I are amicable and he agreed to it.
James had stayed with Tom’s parents the night before (as Tom had been to the pub to watch a football match) and he took him to his swimming lesson this morning. I went over and started preparing for the party, ending up vacuuming round and cleaning the bathroom. When Tom and James returned, Tom went for a lay down as he was feeling grumpy (hungover). I couldn’t be bothered to ask why he wasn’t helping to get things ready, it just confirmed that I am doing the right thing. He did come and join the party and made drinks for the mums that stayed and he also complimented me on a job well done at the end. I think we can be/are friends which is good for our son’s sake, but that is all we are.
I have an appointment with a mortgage advisor on Monday so will hopefully be in a position to view houses soon and put in an offer if I see something I like.

New Year, new start

I’ve been feeling a bit down this week about Rob and Tom. I’ve been wondering whether I’m doing the right thing leaving Tom. When I see him I feel sorry for him but that’s all it is. I certainly don’t feel I want him and home doesn’t feel like home anymore. He’s been decorating and rearranging things as well. He’s moved some furniture into the shed and brought his drum kit into the living room. I think that has upset me a bit as he’s making the house his own now whereas I have no house yet to do the same. I guess there’s part of me that’s scared about the future and also frustrated because I’m in limbo at the moment until I get my own place.

I’ve also been wishing Rob would get in touch. Stupid of me I know, but he reappeared on Facebook Messenger the Friday before Xmas sending a “X”. I replied with “Xx” but heard no more and he’d disappeared again on Xmas Eve!? I don’t know what’s going on in his head. I hope that he misses me as much as I miss him. Part of me wishes I’d tried to start a conversation with him, rather than replying as I did, however, I felt it was his move. After all, I had texted him twice with no reply before then. I wanted him to ask if I was ok, but maybe the fact that he didn’t speaks volumes. My heart wishes I hadn’t deleted his number, but my head knows I was right to do so. I can’t contact him unless he contacts me, so my New Year resolution is to try to put him out of my mind. It will be far easier said than done and I don’t know how long it will take before I’m not disappointed every time my phone beeps and it’s not him! I do know that I will get there though, eventually.