I’m feeling a bit down this week. James was at a friends party at the weekend and I ended up confiding to one of the other mums that I don’t love Tom anymore. She did offer to go out for tea any time I fancy it which was nice of her but she’s not really a close friend and now I’m worrying she’ll be gossiping about me!
I’ve been looking online at houses in the area to get an idea of what sort of place and area I might be able to afford and thinking of telling my mum. Before I could she told me that she doesn’t think my dad is doing too well lately and it makes me think I can’t do anything to cause him stress and worry.
I feel like I need a really good cry but I haven’t the opportunity this week as Tom is home when I am. He’s not got much work on for the next week or so, which doesn’t help as I’d rather be home alone. I am determined to get him to help me with some decorating. Even if I don’t stay long enough to enjoy it, it will add value to the house.
I just feel trapped at the minute.
A couple of little dramas have occurred in the last two days.
Firstly, on Sunday morning my car broke down on the way to church. I had stopped to pick up an old lady as I do each week, only as she was getting in the car she told me she’d forgotten something and could I pop in her house to collect it. I turned my engine off and ran the errand, only to find my car wouldn’t start again! I’d left my headlights on and the battery had gone flat. Ooops! I phoned Tom first of all as I know he has some jump leads and that, even though he would be a while getting to me (he would have to cycle to the pub first to retrieve his car then make the 20 minute car journey to where I was), I thought he would want me to call him. He told me to call our roadside recovery agent as he was still in bed and that they would probably get to me faster than him. I called my brother who lives in the village I was at, and he collected my old lady and delivered her to church. James and I waited for the roadside recovery which took an hour but then it only took two minutes for the man to jumpstart my car. In the meantime, Tom must have thought his initial response may have been wrong as he called me back to say he was on his way! I ended up arranging to meet him at a shop where he got me a new car battery and fitted it for me.
Last night I was at Pantomime rehearsal with my mum and she had an accident. She was on stage acting as a stand in and a fellow cast member pushed her a little over-exuberantly, causing her to lose her balance and fall over. She said she thought her wrist was broken and after taking her to A&E that was confirmed. Luckily, it wasn’t too busy and she was seen, X-rayed, plastered, X-rayed again and out in just under 3 hours, which I reckoned was pretty good. By the time I’d dropped her off and got home myself it was after midnight. I suggested that Tom might do the school run next morning as he’s not working until Saturday. However, James ended up getting in bed with me in the early hours so Tom slept downstairs on the sofa.
When I got up with James this morning, Tom’s first words were “I’m not going to school, I’ve not slept a wink on this sofa” and he went back up to bed. I wasn’t surprised.
Maybe I’m being selfish as it seems neither of us had much sleep and if he’d been working, I would have had to get up anyway.
Perhaps the main reason for our marital problems is that neither one of us is very good at putting the other one first. Maybe that’s been the problem all along. Maybe I never loved him enough in the first place to make him a priority.
Just like my car battery and Mum’s arm, my marriage is flat and broken. Unlike, them, I don’t think it can be mended.
I haven’t posted about Rob in awhile. Things have progressed a little in that he opened up to me a few weeks back explaining why he’d been a bit hit and miss recently. I hadn’t asked him why, he just volunteered the information. Apparently, his mum had been ill for a couple of years but she had recently deteriorated and she then passed away two weeks ago, not long after he told me she was terminally ill. I now wonder if his mum’s illness may have been the trigger for him to get in touch with me in the first place, as life changing events like that often make us stop and take note of where we’re at in our own lives.
We’ve also almost met up! I say almost as we made tentative arrangements but then he had to cancel. He asked me last night if I had any plans for today – fun day of housework and admin- then said he would text me this morning. I half expected nothing, but, true to his word, he did text, though it was to cancel. He is travelling over to my area, but he’s meeting his dad for a solicitors appointment and the timing doesn’t work to see me as well. I’m disappointed but also pleased that he let me know.
I have Kylie’s “The One” in my head right now where there’s a line: “Circling and we’re getting close, can you imagine, just suppose”
Maybe one day.
As for today, my chores are half done but I think I’ll go shopping now and treat myself to something new.
Had my mum and dad round for dinner today. It’s been a long time since I cooked a proper Sunday dinner for more than just the three of us and I have to say I was a bit disappointed with my effort, though my parents said it was nice. Tom managed to fit in a quick visit to the pub before they arrived which means he’s been every day since Tuesday this week. He bought a new bottle of Southern Comfort as he’d gone through the one I’d got in my weekly shop on Monday. This has now depleted by half (shared with my Dad to be fair) but by rough calculation I reckon my husband has consumed over 80 units of alcohol this week. He had a couple of days without drinking a week or two back so in his words “I’m not an alcoholic as I don’t need a drink every day”
Whatever, I don’t care.
I haven’t posted in a while but that’s because there’s no real change to report.
Tom and I had a weekend away with James which was fine until the last night when Tom had far too much to drink and started asking why I wasn’t trying harder, especially in the bedroom department. I advised it wasn’t the best time to be talking about this (we were all in a restaurant at the time) but he said that didn’t matter. Although neither of us was raising our voice, I’m sure James could tell by our tone as he started asking Tom for money as a fine because “you’re not being nice to mummy”. He said if I want to leave then I’m not having the house. I felt resolved to leave and figure something else out.
Since we’ve been home, we have had a chat and I’ve explained that I’m finding sex hard as I can’t pretend anymore and that I don’t know how prostitutes can do it. I said he’s not doing anything wrong but I’m not there emotionally and that affects my performance. He asked if I’d felt like this since before having James and I said yes. He said that was a shame but then said that we’re not splitting up. He doesn’t want to be without me and doesn’t want to be a parttime dad. He wants me to see the GP as he thinks I need HRT and that will “fix” me. I’m considering booking an appointment to appease him, but I know it’s not that. There’s no magic pill to make you love someone. I wish he could just accept that my feelings are gone and that’s that. Instead he’s convinced that I’m broken and he can mend me. I do feel I want to leave and get my own place (I’m not naive enough to believe I’ll be running off into the sunset with Rob) but then I start thinking about everyone else who will be affected. Our parents are all getting older and showing it more now, especially his parents and my dad. I think my mum would actually be ok about it. I worry that if I leave, then that will cause them undue stress, which they don’t need at their time of life. On the other hand, I don’t think I can maintain the status quo for the next 10 years.
Is it better to sacrifice my own potential happiness for the sake of everyone else? Am I just being selfish thinking of myself? Shouldn’t I just be grateful for what I have and believe my husband when he says that all marriages end up like this? I’m feeling a bit stuck at the moment.
I found out yesterday that my next door neighbour may have lung cancer. He’s having a biopsy but has shadows over both lungs. His youngest son is one year older than James and his wife is due to have a operation next week too. That together with the events in Spain made me think I’m selfish for not being happy with what I have, but it also made me think that life is too short to not make the most of every opportunity.
Two nights ago Rob and I had a two hour text conversation which became a bit of a heart to heart. I’ve kept thinking that his quiet episodes have been due to him feeling conflicted about what we’re doing and I’m now more inclined than ever to believe this. He asked if I wanted a one off or more and if we were leaving our spouses. I told him I think I want more and asked if he felt the same. He said he does. Last night we chatted again and I asked him if this is what he wanted to happen when he got in touch with me. He said it was, though he didn’t think I would too. I asked if he’d done anything like this before and he said not. We still haven’t yet arranged to meet in person, which I think we really need to do. I don’t think it will be possible for the next few weeks as it’s the school holidays meaning we’re both pretty busy, but hopefully it will happen eventually.
Maybe I’m being naive or wanting too much, but I do think he is being genuine or at least I believe he means it when he says he loves me, even if it is just in those moments.