Songs capturing my emotions

I do my press-ups in a morning, look in the mirror and tell myself I have a reasonable body, look good and could have any man I want. Except I can’t because the one I want is not available and is unlikely to ever be so. I will never hold him in my arms. Our bodies will never be entwined. My desire for him will never be satisfied. All I can hope for is that it will eventually fade to a secret place in my heart.
Trying not to think about him isn’t helped when I hear songs like I did this morning on my commute.

LeAnn Rimes and Stevie Nicks – Borrowed

I know you’re not mine, only borrowed
Cause you already belong to her, at least you said so
But I’m starting to believe it ain’t the whole truth
As we’re lying side by side, I get the whole you

I Wanna hold out, but gotta hold on,
Even though I know it’s wrong
Cause I don’t want to give you back
I don’t want to give you back
You’re the best I’ll ever have
So I don’t want to give you back
But you’re borrowed

Do you tell her that you love her?
Like you do me?
Do you make love to her,
The way you make love to me?
Well I keep myself alone in case you call tonight
It’s pathetic how I lie around
And wait all the damn time
It’s a short high and long low,
Every time you have to go

Cause I don’t want to give you back
I don’t want to give you back
You’re the best I’ll ever have
So I don’t want to give you back
But you’re borrowed
Only borrowed

How much time is left and you don’t return?
And you don’t return?
How much time?
Oh it’s no return, no return, how much time?

I know you’re not mine, only borrowed
And I don’t want to give you back
I don’t want to give you back
You’re the best I’ll ever have
So I don’t want to give you back
No I don’t want to give you back
No I don’t want to give you back
You’re the best I’ll ever have
So I don’t want to give you back
But you’re borrowed, only borrowed,
Cause you’re borrowed

Selena Gomez – Back To You

Took you like a shot
Thought that I could chase you with a cold evening
Let a couple years water down how I’m feeling about you
(Feeling about you)
And every time we talk
Every single word builds up to this moment
And I gotta convince myself I don’t want it
Even though I do (even though I do)
You could break my heart in two
But when it heals, it beats for you
I know it’s forward, but it’s true
I wanna hold you when I’m not supposed to
When I’m lying close to someone else
You’re stuck in my head and I can’t get you out of it
If I could do it all again
I know I’d go back to you
I know I’d go back to you
I know I’d go back to you
We never got it right
Playing and replaying old conversations
Overthinking every word and I hate it
‘Cause it’s not me (’cause it’s not me)
And what’s the point in hiding?
Everybody knows we got unfinished business
And I’ll regret it if I didn’t say
This isn’t what it could be (isn’t what it could be)
You could break my heart in two
But when it heals, it beats for you
I know it’s forward, but it’s true
I wanna hold you when I’m not supposed to
When I’m lying close to someone else
You’re stuck in my head and I can’t get you out of it
If I could do it all again
I know I’d go back to you
I know I’d go back to you
I’d go back to you
I’d go back to you
What was there wasn’t sure
But I’d go back to you
I know I’d go back to you
You can break my heart in two
But when it heals, it beats for you
I know it’s forward, but it’s true
Won’t lie, I’d go back to you
You know, my thoughts are running loose
It’s just a thing you make me do
And I could fight, but what’s the use?
I know I’d go back to you
I wanna hold you when I’m not supposed to
When I’m lying close to someone else
You’re stuck in my head and I can’t get you out of it
If I could do it all again
I know I’d go back to you
I’d go back to you
I’ll go back to you
I know I’d go back to you
(I’d go back to you, I’d go back to you)
I know I’d go back to you
(Go back to you, go back to you)
(Go back to you, go back to you)
(Go back to you, go back to you)

I hadn’t heard either song before and each one brought tears to my eyes. How many of us are there out in the world in love with someone we shouldn’t be, someone we can’t have, someone who will only hurt us. I know I’m not the only one to ever feel like this and I know it will get better. At the moment though, it’s pretty shit.

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Shit comes in threes

Why does shit always come in threes?

My life has been coasting along quite nicely over the last few weeks. Tom and I are amicable, I was in touch with Rob and just ticking over waiting for the house and divorce to all go through. Then it went wrong.

Saturday morning I finally heard from the divorce court to say my Decree Nisi had been refused. A blow, but not completely unexpected as I had a feeling I hadn’t completed the forms correctly. They are requesting more information regarding Tom’s unreasonable behaviour. The downside of being amicable is that I’d tried not to be nasty and now I have to rewrite everything and add more detail. I was out with my colleagues on Saturday and had a good time despite the setback.

Last night chatting with Rob, I finally asked him some questions that I’ve wanted to but hadn’t asked previously in case I didn’t get the answers I wanted to hear. I assumed that he wasn’t happy in his marriage, because why else would he pursue me? I suppose because I wasn’t happy and I wouldn’t have done what I’ve done if I was, then I thought it must be the same for him. However, I asked if I was an ego boost for him to which he replied “No”, then I asked if his wife still turns him on. He replied “massively x sorry not the right answer”. I told him there was no right or wrong answer but asked if that’s so, why do you want this? He replied “perhaps we shouldn’t” to which I told him it was his call. He threw that back at me so I insisted it was his call as I would soon be a free agent. He suggested as a free agent I should have some unattached fun and then agreed when I asked if he meant with someone equally unattached. So I asked “Is this goodbye then? X” He answered “probably wise x” So that appears to be that. I told him I was sure he could track me down if things should change, then said ‘Goodbye’. I know I’ve been naive and some of you have advised me before that nothing would ever come of it, but it’s been hard to break away. It’s going to hurt for a long time but I can’t kid myself anymore that his marriage was anything like mine or that he was only staying because of his kids. I guess he did just want to have his cake and eat it after all.

I managed to keep my emotions in check today until I heard from Tom that his father has said he won’t release any money until our consent order has gone through. His parents are helping him to buy me out, just as mine are helping me to get my own house. He’s apparently concerned that I could change my mind and request more in my payout. We have both signed our consent order application but I can’t submit it until we have a date for our Decree Nisi, which will be at least another 6 weeks from me resubmitting the forms! I told Tom that a delay in my share may result in me losing my house which would be really disappointing to say the least. He said he wants me to get my house and has told his father that neither of us has any intention of changing the agreement. I’ve done copies of the paperwork to pass on to him tomorrow and hope that is satisfactory for him. Tom suggested that if I do lose the house, James and I could move back in with him and he won’t pester me for sex!!! Er, no!!

At least that gave me an excuse for a good cry which has released some of the emotional tension in me. Tomorrow is a new day and a new start. I am strong and I will overcome whatever disappointments life throws at me. I have my amazing son, who saw me crying and gave me a big hug. I told him that I was just a bit worried that things might go wrong causing us to not get the house. He asked if I remembered the time daddy threw us out of the car and he did a funny dance to cheer me up because I cried. I told him I did remember and that he always cheers me up. I was surprised he remembered as it was two years ago, but I jotted it down as another example I can use to support my claim of unreasonable behaviour. Hopefully it will go through this time.

 

Wedding readings

My best friend has tasked me with finding a suitable bible reading for her forthcoming wedding. I’m honoured that she has trusted me with this, but also worried that she might not approve of my choice. I wanted to keep away from the obvious Corinthians passage about love, which is very popular and well known and find her something different. I’ve gone for Song of Solomon (Song of Songs) 2:8-13 which seemed to speak out to me in relation to her, particularly as she’s had a very difficult few months with illness. She’s now well on the road to recovery with her marriage to look forward to. Hopefully she will be happy with my decision.

As I was searching I came across this non-religious option which I thought was beautiful. It’s from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.

“LOVE IS A TEMPORARY MADNESS. IT ERUPTS LIKE AN EARTHQUAKE AND THEN SUBSIDES.
AND WHEN IT SUBSIDES YOU HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION. YOU HAVE TO WORK OUT WHETHER YOUR ROOTS HAVE BECOME SO ENTWINED TOGETHER THAT IT IS INCONCEIVABLE THAT YOU SHOULD EVER PART. BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS. LOVE IS NOT BREATHLESSNESS, IT IS NOT EXCITEMENT, IT IS NOT THE PROMULGATION OF PROMISES OF ETERNAL PASSION. THAT IS JUST BEING IN LOVE WHICH ANY OF US CAN CONVINCE OURSELVES WE ARE. LOVE ITSELF IS WHAT IS LEFT OVER WHEN BEING IN LOVE HAS BURNED AWAY, AND THIS IS BOTH AN ART AND A FORTUNATE ACCIDENT. YOUR MOTHER AND I HAD IT, WE HAD ROOTS THAT GREW TOWARDS EACH OTHER UNDERGROUND, AND WHEN ALL THE PRETTY BLOSSOM HAD FALLEN FROM OUR BRANCHES WE FOUND THAT WE WERE ONE TREE AND NOT TWO.”

Blessed are those trees who do entwine their roots and become one. The rest of us shouldn’t be disheartened though. We may yet find someone that we can truly unite with. In the meantime I’ll enjoy whatever earthquakes might come my way!

 

Grecian Holiday

Had a lovely holiday again with James and my friend S and her son. 

It was a quiet resort on a Greek island but the boys had lots of fun by the pool and on the beach.

I bought myself a pretty ring. I stopped wearing my wedding ring a few weeks back when I applied for my decree nisi and my hands have felt bare. My new ring wasn’t expensive but it’s a nice reminder of my holiday and also that I don’t need a man by my side to be happy. It fits the middle finger of my right hand and I only hope it looks as nice when my tan has faded! 

I attracted the attention of one of the entertainment guys who, once he’d established that we were without men, told me I had beautiful eyes and suggested that I might like to meet him so we could ‘talk more’. I declined. I’m not about to go off with just any guy who pays me attention though I have an appointment with my mortgage guy on Monday and I would go for a drink with him anytime!

Royal Wedding

I’ve been watching the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle and came over quite emotional and contemplative. Happy – for them that they are in love and hoping that their love is longstanding as they start their married life together. Sad – for myself as I remember my own wedding day almost 15 years ago, when I was in love with Tom and said my vows with every intention of keeping them, but that as time went on, my love died and though I tried, I couldn’t stay with him ’til death do us part’. Hopeful – that there is someone out there who truly stirs my passion and is able to treat me in the way I deserve to be treated. Determined – to love myself, be confident in my own abilities and build a happy life for myself and my son regardless of what the future may hold in store romantically.

Wishing Harry and Meghan all the best.

Another alcoholic

Bumped into an acquaintance today. She’s the partner of one of Tom’s friends but we haven’t seen them for a long time. He’s a ‘full on alcoholic’ in that over the last few years he’s lost his driving license through drinking and his health has suffered. M was telling me today that his liver is damaged and his skin is yellow which is not good at all. I told her that Tom and I have separated and that I’m with my parents for now. She said I’ve done the right thing and that she wishes she could leave P but financially she’s stuck and unfortunately she doesn’t have relatives that she could stay with either. They have 3 children and she’s limited to what hours she can work because she doesn’t feel she can leave the children in his sole care. I felt so bad for her and so lucky that my parents have been there for me and able to help me out. 

Alcoholism in whatever form can have such a terrible impact on people’s lives and it seems to be so commonplace. 

Nights out and in

Had a lovely weekend last weekend in Manchester for my best friends hen party. There were 10 of us and we had a burlesque lesson which was great fun before a meal out and dancing and cabaret at The Birdcage. It was a fab night and all the more enjoyable as my friend has been really ill so it was touch and go as to whether we would have to cancel. Happily, she’s well in the mend now.

In contrast, tonight I’m enjoying my own company as my parents are away and James is in bed. I’m indulging in a glass of wine and watching Eurovision! Not seen much of it for a few years as Tom was never bothered at all.