Third counselling

Tom joined me for our session this time. I actually felt more positive afterwards even though during the session he said that he hasn’t felt affection from me in a long time. He said he doesn’t think I like sex and that I’ve never seemed interested in trying anything new. I said I didn’t feel very self confident and remembered a time where I’d tried to do a sexy dance with a feather boa but he’d laughed at me. I acknowledged that Tom is trying to improve things but that when he’s wanting to cuddle me all the time I’ve felt claustrophobic and that this week I’ve felt better as he’s stayed out of my way a bit more, though we did spend some family time together at the weekend which was nice. I also said that I feel wary every time he asks how I am, as I feel he’s waiting for me to say “I love you again so everything is just fine”. He admitted that he is hoping to hear that. I admitted that in the past I’ve been prone to saying everything was fine when really it wasn’t. The lady said that at our next session she could suggest some techniques that may improve our relationship with each other. We both said we were willing to try. She also said these things take time and don’t always work for everyone.

On the way home, Tom related a tale a work colleague had told him about someone who had divorced his wife. Apparently she said “men are like floor tiles, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them”. This upset me as I took it as a criticism and that Tom was saying that if I’d laid him better then he would have been a better husband. I told him this and he was mortified as he had meant to say that he would do anything for me! I suppose that is an improvement as I told him why the tale had upset me!

Awakening

I haven’t re-read my posts for awhile so apologies if I’m repeating myself.

During our recent conversations, which are still difficult, I have admitted to Tom that I don’t believe I’ve ever really ‘let myself go’ with him in the bedroom department. He said he knows and that he’s tried hard but thinks that’s just how I am. Certainly now I can’t as I don’t really want to be there. My body reacts to a point but my mind drifts away to think about other things. Imagining what it might be like with Rob, if I’m lucky; but more often to thinking about what else I could be doing such as making a shopping list or getting on with housework, or even if this is how a prostitute feels.
For years I’ve used lubricant as I’ve been quite dry. I thought it was my libido and that that’s just what happens when you’ve been together a long time. Maybe it is just what happens but I know now it’s not my libido as I only have to receive a text from Rob to feel aroused. In our texts and FaceTime chats I’ve said and done things that I’ve never felt inclined to with my husband. It’s like he’s woken a passion in me that’s been dormant all this time and now I’ve had a glimpse of it, I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without it ever having chance to erupt to it’s full potential. We managed a short FaceTime last week and I told him I don’t know how he has the effect on me that he does. He said the feeling is mutual.
I don’t know whether I’ve been repressed all my life or just with the wrong man. I think I need to push Rob for us to meet so I can answer that question. If he’s genuine about his feelings then he surely must be getting as frustrated as I am and after all, he’s the one who keeps saying he wants us to meet up. If he goes quiet on me again then I really will have to be strong.

Frustrating weekend

Tom took me for a night out last night. We went to see a couple of tribute bands at our local town’s annual gala. He’d invited another couple though he was hoping they weren’t going to come as he wanted it to be just us. We got there early and soon ran out of conversation, especially when Tom asked “What are we going to do?” I felt a bit put on the spot, as before setting out, Tom had said he felt nervous about the evening and hoped we would have a good time. He then asked if I even want my feelings to change. I replied that I don’t know if they can. I was relieved when his friends joined us as I ended up enjoying the evening and don’t think I would have otherwise.

When we got home, I went straight to bed and didn’t realise until I woke this morning, that Tom had slept in our son’s bed. (James had stayed at my parents for the night) Apparently I’d sounded dismissive when he asked if I wanted to have another night out together after we got in. This morning he said he wasn’t going to leave and that I should think about moving out. This afternoon he apologised for being angry and said he wanted us to be friends, though he’s not going to try to “win me back” anymore as he doesn’t see the point. Personally, I believe we need to consider a trial separation. I haven’t broached it yet as I’m not sure how we would work it. I want to cause as little disruption to James as possible but if Tom refuses to leave then James and myself could probably stay with my parents for while.

Really, it would be easy if a magic wand could be waved and I could fancy him again, but that’s not going to happen. It’s like in telling him how I feel (or don’t feel), a switch has been flicked and I can’t flick it back. Years ago, my boyfriend before Tom proposed to me – the whole down on one knee, ring produced etc – as he said the words it was as though that switch was pressed and I suddenly thought “Shit, I don’t want to marry you”. When my mind is made up, that’s it. The difficulty now is all the other stuff that will have to be sorted out. I think that’s why I’ve denied my lack of feelings for so long.
I don’t want to lose my house – I love my new kitchen – but at the end of the day, it’s just bricks and mortar and I can make a home elsewhere if needed.

Second counselling

Tom had to work so I went on my own, but I did clarify my feelings a bit. She asked why am staying in my marriage if I’ve not been happy for so long. I said it would upset lots of people if we split, namely parents, in-laws and our son as well as being scared go the unknown. I acknowledged that I don’t think Tom is really happy either, though he doesn’t want to split. She reminded me that I’m not happy and said I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of everyone else. She asked what I want and I said I’d like to be on my own.

When I got home Tom and I talked about my session and he admitted he hasn’t felt happy either. He said he feels I’ve never been affectionate with him and that I’ve always been hard work. He says I’ve been a good wife in that I’ve kept the house clean, am a good cook and done the washing, but that he doesn’t feel I’ve ever really desired him. I’m sure I did in the beginning but I don’t think I’ve ever really ‘let myself go’ with him so maybe he’s right. He’s the only man I’ve ever slept with so I’ve had nothing to compare my performance with so to speak.

We agreed that we’ve both avoided conflict. The saying “least said soonest mended” came to mind and I thought that is not true. It may help in the short term but as my lack of communication has proved, in the long term, that path just allows hurt and annoyance to build up inside and eat away at you until there’s nothing left.

Basically, from the very start, neither of us has been confident enough to express our true feelings. Tom married me because he didn’t want to lose me, while I married him because I was ready to settle down and he fit the bill, or at least he seemed to at the time.

This morning, he said he can accept how I feel and we can cohabit as friends. I asked how he thought that would work in the long term for example what if we met other people. He then said that if that happened we should think of our son. It seems he is proposing that we continue as we are and as we have a child together, that means forgoing our own happiness or chance at happiness. As much as it makes me feel selfish for putting my happiness above my son’s, equally I don’t think it sets him up for a successful long term relationship when he gets older if his parents stay together just for him.

I’ve been considering my parents relationship a lot and while I do have memories of them holding hands, I cannot bring to mind any occasion of me witnessing a loving embrace or kiss between them. Perhaps I am only following in their footsteps as to how I perceived marriage to be?

Tom has agreed to come to my next session, so hopefully that will help our communication no matter what the outcome will be.

Batteries recharged

Had a lovely holiday with my friend and our two boys got on well, mostly!
I came back feeling a lot more relaxed. Tom told me he’s missed me a lot though I can’t say I feel the same. He has kept the house tidy and done some washing and ironing so his “new man” routine is still going strong. I can’t help thinking it’s too late. I did feel a bit more positive that maybe I could regain some feelings for him as I noticed what nice eyes he has. However, last night he wanted to cuddle and I just felt claustrophobic. I’ve put a wall up between us and I don’t know if it can be broken down.

Meanwhile, Rob texted me a lot while I was away. My friend had posted on Facebook when we were at the airport on the way out, which I think he’d seen as he asked me where I was and who with. Yet again he mentioned that we should arrange to meet, which will probably mean he goes quiet now for awhile. Maybe I’m wrong and just being a fool, but I do think he is genuine about his feelings and is as addicted to me as I am to him. At the very least, I believe we are getting something from each other that we are otherwise missing; be that just a mutual ego boost or a genuine passion. I know we’re never going to run off together and live “happily ever after” but at the moment, having him in my life is better than not.

First counselling session

I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting from my first counselling session. I was certainly very apprehensive about going. The lady seemed nice, very nondescript which doesn’t sound nice, but I think nondescript probably makes for a good counsellor.

She asked me about how Tom and I met, what sort of things we do/did together. We discussed my family dynamics and drew up a visual chart of parents, siblings, children, in-laws, then looked at close relationships and conflicting relationships with the whole family. It upset me a lot to realise that though I didn’t have any conflicting relationships, the only close relationship I feel I have is with my son. I did say that I felt close to my best friend though, so I guess I have someone I can talk to.
I took the chart home and showed Tom. He thought I’d got it pretty spot on.

Holiday tomorrow. Hope it refreshes and relaxes me if nothing else.

Shitty wife

I found a blog: https://mustbethistalltoride.com/about/
This man has analysed himself deeply since his divorce and he has some interesting points. His open letter to a shitty husband is pretty perceptive.

I don’t hold my husband solely to blame though for the current state of our marriage. I know it is also my fault for not communicating properly from the start, so in that respect I’m a shitty wife married to a shitty husband! In fact, reading Matt’s blog, I know I buried my head in the sand about the differences Tom and I had before we got married, thinking ‘everything will be alright because we love each other’. In reality, if we had both discussed these things properly to a full conclusion, then we would more than likely have gone our separate ways before getting married. During our early married years, I was definitely guilty of not telling Tom just how much certain actions of his upset me and instead ended up just ‘getting on’ with things rather than risking conflict. I think this is what has ultimately eaten away at my feelings over the years and made me apathetic towards him. While Matt doesn’t condone having an affair – neither do I even though I’m doing it – he sees, as I do, that the affair is not the cause of the problem, but rather the result.

As I’ve said before, I’m fairly certain I would have resisted temptation if I’d been otherwise happy in my marriage.

Tom has also been reading Matt’s blog and I have to say he is trying really hard. He’s being far more helpful round the house and spending time with me. I do appreciate his efforts but I don’t have any romantic feelings towards him at all. I feel sadness and emptiness and just want my own space. Only a week to go to my holiday.