I’ve been a bit quiet as my internet has been down but it’s fixed now. Hooray! Surprising how much I actually use it and really missed it.
An update on my life then. Tom has cancelled our next counselling session as he doesn’t feel the lady can do anymore for us. I don’t think it can help any further either as in I don’t expect my feelings towards him will change. I’m kind of resigned to carrying on with the status quo. After all, we don’t argue and in fact we are communicating better now than before. I don’t fancy him and find intimacy hard but trying to bear with it for now. He knows my feelings haven’t changed though he hopes they will. If Tom and I do split, then I want to be in a reasonable financial situation. I don’t think I will ever be able to buy out his share of the house but I’m going to try and save what I can so that I at least have a chance of something decent should it come to that.
Rob is keeping in touch and showing no signs of cooling off. We’re still dancing around actually meeting up, but I think he knows that if he disappears on me again then that will be that. I do believe his feelings for me are genuine. I don’t ask about his feelings for his wife and he doesn’t ask me about Tom. He has asked if I feel any guilt and says he hasn’t either. Maybe, like Tom he doesn’t want to be a “part-time” dad. I’m not going to speculate on his home life as that won’t do me any favours, but I do know we aren’t going to be running off together into the sunset.
I am feeling a lot more content at the moment so I’m not going to think about the future, but just enjoy what I have right now.
Yesterday was our annual village gala. It’s a combined effort between the village hall committee and the school, with lot of stalls, games and fun. This year was the first year that we participated in running the event. After attending one of the planning meetings, I asked Tom if he would be willing to help run a game and he agreed, even borrowing some stands from his work. Our game proved popular and it was a lovely fun day. Some of our friends visited the gala and one commented that she never thought she would see Tom doing anything like that.
We do work well together as a team but there is nothing but friendship on my side. Maybe that’s all most long-term relationships become. Maybe I’m being greedy and selfish wanting more.
This morning on the school run, I saw one of the mums having a very public row with her partner. They were swearing at each other with their children hanging back not knowing what to do. I had seen the same couple at the gala, holding hands and looking as though they were enjoying their day. It did cross my mind that is most definitely not the sort of passion that I dream of!
I came away this time not feeling as though it was proving very helpful. I think Tom felt the same, though that was maybe more to do with me saying I didn’t fancy him and have felt negatively towards him whilst the lady was discussing intimacy with us. She gave us some pointers on ways to improve intimacy and closeness without having sex – more cuddles, holding hands and making time to spend together. I don’t actually feel as though that is something I want at the moment.
Tom said he feels I’ve never given him much affection even from the start of our marriage; that he’s come home from work expecting a hug and I haven’t seemed too bothered to see him. He also said he thinks our son doesn’t like cuddles and kisses because of me! Well I get plenty of hugs from him!
When we got home, Tom said he thought I was emotionally hard and I think he is right to a point. I don’t tend to open up about my feelings. I told him I resented him saying that James not wanting cuddles is down to me and that I think children go through phases of how affectionate or not they want to be and shouldn’t feel pushed into cuddles or kisses if they don’t want to.
I think we are communicating better, in that we don’t keep quiet anymore if we feel put out by something the other has said or done. Feelings wise, it’s just friendship that I feel towards him.
Last night we went to the local beer festival. Tom’s brother’s band were the headline act and they are very good. We had a good night until we got home! Tom asked if I’d had fun which I answered positively, then asked if my feelings towards him were changing. I said not at the moment which then triggered a rant from him. He accused me of stringing him along for years and declared that I should leave and that he would keep the house and our son. I told him I couldn’t go anywhere as I’d been drinking and therefore couldn’t drive. I also said he should stop asking me about my feelings if he didn’t want to hear the answer.
Today I collected James from my parents who had looked after him overnight, and when I returned home Tom asked if I might be up for sex later! I had assumed last night that he wouldn’t remember anything this morning, but was still surprised. In the past I would have just let it go, but today I pulled him up on it and said I was surprised he was wanting sex when last night he’d demanded I leave. He denied he had said anything of the sort, so I recalled our full conversation. He apologised and claimed not to remember any of it at all. He told me he loves me to bits and does not want me to leave and that it doesn’t matter to him if I don’t love him. He then amended that to say he wants me to love him back but would rather me stay and not love him, than be without me.
I have wondered this afternoon what I would have done had I not been drinking last night. Would I have called his bluff and actually gone?
Not much to update on really. Tom is still trying for husband of the year award. He’s even volunteered to help out at our upcoming local school and community fun day. My feelings towards him are unchanged. I feel more of a friendship than anything more.
Things with Rob are still the same. We had a great FaceTime chat last week and he asked me what days I’m usually free. Nothing has come of it so far and I haven’t really pushed it, but he hasn’t gone quiet on me either. There’s been the odd day that I haven’t heard anything from him but that’s all.
I feel on an even keel at the moment, so I’m just taking each day as it comes.
Tom joined me for our session this time. I actually felt more positive afterwards even though during the session he said that he hasn’t felt affection from me in a long time. He said he doesn’t think I like sex and that I’ve never seemed interested in trying anything new. I said I didn’t feel very self confident and remembered a time where I’d tried to do a sexy dance with a feather boa but he’d laughed at me. I acknowledged that Tom is trying to improve things but that when he’s wanting to cuddle me all the time I’ve felt claustrophobic and that this week I’ve felt better as he’s stayed out of my way a bit more, though we did spend some family time together at the weekend which was nice. I also said that I feel wary every time he asks how I am, as I feel he’s waiting for me to say “I love you again so everything is just fine”. He admitted that he is hoping to hear that. I admitted that in the past I’ve been prone to saying everything was fine when really it wasn’t. The lady said that at our next session she could suggest some techniques that may improve our relationship with each other. We both said we were willing to try. She also said these things take time and don’t always work for everyone.
On the way home, Tom related a tale a work colleague had told him about someone who had divorced his wife. Apparently she said “men are like floor tiles, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them”. This upset me as I took it as a criticism and that Tom was saying that if I’d laid him better then he would have been a better husband. I told him this and he was mortified as he had meant to say that he would do anything for me! I suppose that is an improvement as I told him why the tale had upset me!
I haven’t re-read my posts for awhile so apologies if I’m repeating myself.
During our recent conversations, which are still difficult, I have admitted to Tom that I don’t believe I’ve ever really ‘let myself go’ with him in the bedroom department. He said he knows and that he’s tried hard but thinks that’s just how I am. Certainly now I can’t as I don’t really want to be there. My body reacts to a point but my mind drifts away to think about other things. Imagining what it might be like with Rob, if I’m lucky; but more often to thinking about what else I could be doing such as making a shopping list or getting on with housework, or even if this is how a prostitute feels.
For years I’ve used lubricant as I’ve been quite dry. I thought it was my libido and that that’s just what happens when you’ve been together a long time. Maybe it is just what happens but I know now it’s not my libido as I only have to receive a text from Rob to feel aroused. In our texts and FaceTime chats I’ve said and done things that I’ve never felt inclined to with my husband. It’s like he’s woken a passion in me that’s been dormant all this time and now I’ve had a glimpse of it, I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without it ever having chance to erupt to it’s full potential. We managed a short FaceTime last week and I told him I don’t know how he has the effect on me that he does. He said the feeling is mutual.
I don’t know whether I’ve been repressed all my life or just with the wrong man. I think I need to push Rob for us to meet so I can answer that question. If he’s genuine about his feelings then he surely must be getting as frustrated as I am and after all, he’s the one who keeps saying he wants us to meet up. If he goes quiet on me again then I really will have to be strong.