Why did I do it?

I never thought I was the type of person who would have any kind of affair. If someone had told me 12 months ago that I would end up swapping photos and texts of a sexual nature with another person, I would never have believed it. I’m not that sort of person. I’ve always been quite a private person with a strong moral compass. I don’t share my feelings easily and though I can be found in the middle of the dance floor on a night out, whether or not I’ve had a drink, I’m generally of a reserved nature. I guess deep down I’ve perhaps always still had feelings for Rob, especially as he was the one who ended things 20 years ago. I know I was dumped more than twice over the years, but there are only two occasions that really hurt, and he was the second of them. When he got in touch, I can’t deny I enjoyed the attention. It gave me a boost when I was feeling taken for granted. I wasn’t sure where it would lead. I think I always knew deep down that I’d probably get hurt, but decided I would take a chance for once. As it progressed I think I liked the adrenaline rush of the compliments I was getting as well the illicitness of it. I was behaving in a way that surprised me and excited me.  I knew I was enjoying it too much when I started to feel cranky on days I didn’t hear from him. In that respect, I suppose it was like an addiction and I needed my fix. Now I’m going through cold turkey! I know in my head that it’s for the best that it’s over as we shouldn’t have been doing it anyway, but it doesn’t stop me hurting. How can it hurt so much when we never even had a spoken conversation let alone actually met up?

My head tells me that all his talk of regrets, declarations of love and saying he wanted to treat me to the finer things in life, were all bullshit. My heart counters that by asking why did he start it in the first place and initiate the photos etc if he didn’t have feelings for me? My head then reminds me that he if he had ever cared, he could have easily sent a ‘Sorry, but I can’t do this anymore’ message rather than just ignoring my last text. I don’t suppose I’ll ever know why, as I don’t expect I’ll hear from him again. I’ve never been one to beg and I’m not completely stupid so I won’t contact him, even though sometimes that’s all I want to do. Obviously, it’s over and I just need to put it behind me. I played with fire and got myself burned. Wish I could just delete him out of my head as easily as deleting him from my phone!

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