I was surprised to hear from you the other night. I had convinced myself that it was highly unlikely you would contact me again. As you’ve maybe gathered by now, I’ve decided I won’t reply. Instead I’ve written you this letter.
There’s so much I wanted to say to you, but we never actually had a proper conversation. I remember last Christmas asking why you decided to get in touch and you told me “what if and a niggly feeling”. As we chatted more, you said you’d tried to seduce me 20 years ago but I wasn’t interested. I told you I wasn’t ready then and I was protective of my virtue. What I didn’t tell you was that I’d already had my heart broken by someone who I realised was only after my body and when he realised I wasn’t that easy, he ended things; so I was even more careful of not giving myself away too easily. You were the second guy to break my heart, and the last; probably why I think I’ve always had a soft spot for you. I don’t know. I was wary when you first got in touch again as well as thrilled, though you soon won me round and I let my guard down. I asked if you had done this before and you said ‘never’. I wonder now if that was a lie. Even though I knew we shouldn’t be doing it, I loved our fun. You made me feel amazing and I won’t forget that. It was something I needed and, if I’m really honest, I would have happily carried on. I was definitely keen to meet up in person and see what happened.
I felt so hurt when you didn’t reply to my last text and as time went on with no more messages, I was in turmoil. It was my own fault really for enjoying our fun too much. I believed your talk of regrets and even thought you cared about me. I was wrong. If you cared, you would have replied to that last text in July or at least wished me a ‘Happy Birthday’. But you didn’t.
Even after the weeks of hurt and turmoil I might still have resumed our fun. If your text the other night, after weeks of nothing, had been along the lines of “Sorry I haven’t been in touch, things have been difficult”, then I don’t think I would have put up much resistance. But a simple ‘X’ just doesn’t cut it, especially as I saw on FB the following day that you had checked into a 5* hotel with your wife to celebrate her birthday! What sort of guy plays fishing games with another woman the night before treating his wife to a luxury break? I’m not sure who you have the least respect for, me or her. Yes, there’s a part of me that felt jealous when I saw that FB post, all of us dream of luxury treats; but if I had to choose between my surprise party in the village hall planned by a husband who I honestly do not believe would ever cheat on me, or a weekend of 5* luxury that may well be planned to assuage a guilty conscience from a cheat, then I know which I’ll go for.
As I said, if you had done things differently, I would probably have remained on your hook. Although I was feeling hurt, my head was still looking over the fence as the grass sure looked greener there. Now I can see that grass is full of nettles and I don’t much care for being stung. The grass on my side is certainly no bowling green and there’s more than a few stones but no nasty nettles. For awhile I wanted you so much and you could have had me, but not any more. If your talk of regrets and saying you loved me was by any chance true, then you can enjoy double the regret as I was there for the taking, but now I’m determined to stay out of your reach.