I’m a mess

I’m struggling. I’m a mess and feel like crying all the time. Why? Because I haven’t heard from Rob for over a week and the last time I did it was a very short text exchange, started by myself and with no kisses on his replies. I know it’s stupid to read anything into that or maybe it’s not. Our last FaceTime chat a couple of weeks ago ended with him calling me sweetheart and saying “Love you” (and he said it first too). I know he’s probably struggling with his feelings as much as I am and I think that’s why he pulls away every so often. It’s like we’re drawn together so far but then repelled again. My head tells me I should end it for the good of my sanity if nothing else, but my heart aches at the thought of not having any more contact with him. I do know that it’s not going to go anywhere. For all his talk of wanting to meet up, I don’t believe he actually dares or wants to risk his marriage when it comes down to it. I can’t blame him for that, though I wonder why he started this. I’m in a different place I think, in that I really don’t know where my marriage is heading. Would I be feeling like this if it wasn’t for Rob? I don’t know. Maybe I would have kept plodding along indefinitely, maybe it would have come to a head eventually anyway, I just don’t know.

Can I make my marriage work if I end my liaison and do I want to? Again, I don’t know. Is it possible to fall back in love with my husband, or have those feelings well and truly died?

I need to ask Rob what he was expecting when he got in touch in the first place and what does he actually want from me? Does he get as confused by all this as me? Does he think about me all the time like I think about him? Does he get moody when we haven’t chatted for a while? Or is it different for men? I do believe he loves me when he says he does, but is he able to switch his feelings on and off i.e., do men live more “in the moment” so to speak? If he feels as strongly about me as I feel about him, but doesn’t want to risk his marriage, then do we carry on but agree that it will never be anything more than phone based (at least I won’t get my hopes up then) or do we do the honourable thing and call it a day which would probably mean no more contact again, ever. I’m not ready for that. I’m addicted to the way he makes me feel when we are able to “chat” and I need my fix.

Having said that, he knows how I feel and I can’t just let him play with my heart. I had hoped that he would tell me if he needed to end it rather than just go silent, but as he just went silent on me in the summer, I suppose I shouldn’t expect anything else. I sent a text last Sunday asking if everything was ok and got no reply. I have sent another today asking if he’s gone shy or just busy. Unless I hear from him, that will be that. If he is disappearing on me again, then I have to be strong no matter how much it hurts.

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