Numb

Tom and I went for a meal out with friends last Saturday and though I tried to put on a happy face, I wasn’t really feeling it. In the restaurant they had music playing and Take That’s Patience came on. The chorus summed up how I feel at the moment; “my heart is numb, has no feeling, so while I’m still healing, just try and have a little patience”.

Tom knows I’m not right. He keeps asking me if I’m ok. I’ve managed to put him off with saying I’ve got a lot to deal with at the moment, which is true, as there’s Christmas, then James’s birthday early January and we’ve also been looking at kitchens with a view to updating ours in the spring. At the moment I don’t feel that I love him anymore or even fancy him, but I’ve decided not to think about our relationship until the New Year. I feel I have to give myself time to get over Rob so that I can try to look at my marriage objectively without being influenced by other factors.

My little boy came home from school yesterday and said he’s happy when I’m happy and sad when I’m sad. I thought I had been successfully hiding my sadness from him, but I guess not. That has made me think I must try harder to pull myself together and be grateful for what I do have, rather than what was never mine in the first place. I have a wonderful little boy, husband who loves me, home, food, clothes. A lot more than many people in the world.

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3 thoughts on “Numb

  1. “I have a lot more than many people in the world.” Please don’t do this to yourself. Yes, we should be congnitive of our blessings and strive to enjoy life each day but that doesn’t mean our feelings of despair or unhappiness or anxiousness are not valid. I’ve lived with an alcoholic husband a long time now. Maybe too long. It’s hard to overstate the mental, emotional and spiritual erosion they cause in us.

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  2. 16 years is exactly how long I have been with my husband. Coincidence?
    If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that your kids will feel everything that’s going on, even if they don’t know or understand the details. My daughter sees right through me. She’s my best friend and often I hate myself for relying so heavily on her.

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