Christmas highs and lows

Had a lovely Christmas Day at my parents and James enjoyed spending time with his cousin, though typical boys, they did get a bit too giddy together on occasion. Came home and watched a film with Tom when James had gone to bed. Tom had been to his parents for his Christmas dinner and so it was a good day all round.

Yesterday, I felt fed up. Didn’t have a great night’s sleep as James was up in the night and in the morning, Tom got up briefly then returned to bed not surfacing until after 11am as he’d felt sick, apparently from mixing his drinks the day before. His parents called round for an hour in the afternoon then we played a couple of family board games which was nice.

After James had gone to bed, Tom kept asking me if I was ok. He’s been really affectionate lately, keeps asking for cuddles and randomly rubbing my arm. It’s like he’s noticed I’ve pulled away (guess my acting hasn’t been very convincing) and he’s trying to get me back. I know we need to have a talk about things but I don’t really know where to start. I told him Christmas is always difficult as I like it and know that he doesn’t. He said that although he would have liked to have spent Christmas Day with James and me, he had the best Christmas for a long time with his family. I loved my Christmas Day too but have to say I didn’t really think about him!

This morning he asked if I still hate him. Told him I don’t hate him. Didn’t say that what I actually feel at the moment is indifference.

I know my feelings for Rob are clouding the issue, and the fact I haven’t heard much from him over Christmas; a couple of texts on Christmas Eve then one he sent last night after I’d gone to bed; hasn’t helped my mood.

I just feel that this time last year I was on such a high and looking forward to 2016, whereas now I’m not looking forward to the New Year at all as I think it will only bring heartache in one way or another.

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