Sex

I feel such a bitch writing this but I have to get it off my chest. For a long time before Rob got in touch, I thought my sex drive had gone. I never felt horny and only rarely initiated sex, and then only because I felt I should as my wifely duty (if I’d declined Tom’s last advances or it had been a while and I felt obliged). When things first started with Rob, I felt sexier and did feel more ‘up for it’ with Tom, however, that hasn’t lasted. I still feel horny as hell thinking of Rob and often ‘please myself’ but I just don’t want sex with my husband. I do do it and sometimes it’s nice, though generally unsatisfying for me and I just want it to be over quickly, which it usually is. Take last night for example; when James had gone to bed we had some time together and played battleships – one of James’s birthday presents. After the game Tom wanted to get amorous. I would have felt bad to decline so spent the first part imagining what it might be like with Rob. I was doing ok but then Tom’s breath and fingers – tasting and smelling of tobacco – just made me think of how he used to always brush his teeth as he knows I don’t like his smoking. (Last time I reminded him of that in bed one night, he said he doesn’t like brushing his teeth before bed as it keeps him awake!?!) Anyway, I lost my mood and fantasy then and it was back to getting it over quickly. We use the withdrawal method of contraception which has always been effective for us. (James was planned and it took around 4 months to conceive.) Last night Tom didn’t withdraw.

This morning he said what a great night we’d had and asked what had come over me. He obviously thought I was enjoying myself as much as him, so I suppose I performed my wifely duties well. He then suggested I get the morning after pill to be on the safe side as he doesn’t want any more children. I felt a bit shocked but not surprised. I think I’m more shocked that he didn’t withdraw as he’s always been almost paranoid in his desire for me not to get pregnant – though he doesn’t like condoms. Now I feel quite upset that he’s been so selfish. I’m not sure why I feel so upset as I don’t want to add to our family either; maybe it’s because although I’m sure he loves me, he seems to have no concept of how his words or actions affect me.

I debated whether or not to go for the morning after pill. My cycle has been irregular over the last few months as I’m starting with the menopause but there’s still a high chance I could conceive. In the end I went and got it and left the receipt out so Tom could see it when he got home. He was surprised at the cost but said he would give me the money. (yes you will and then maybe you’ll think twice next time!) I told him the pharmacist had given me a lecture on contraception. I was exaggerating a little about how embarrassed I felt, but he didn’t take the hint at all and never apologised for going against our rules so to speak.

I’ve since thought that part of my being upset today is not that I don’t want another child, but more that I don’t want another with him. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel that I’m too old to start again with a baby – I feel like I’ve just got a part of me back over the last couple of years – but if I was feeling differently about my marriage, maybe I would have just let fate take its course.

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