Do things happen for a reason?

I’ve often believed that things happen for a reason but I’m finding it difficult at the moment to see that reason.

My texting affair is so frustrating. Rob makes me feel so passionate and I really do want to see where it might go, though I’m increasingly believing it will go nowhere. That even though he started it, ultimately he doesn’t want to risk his marriage by getting physical. I can’t blame him for that but it does make me wonder why he started it in the first place and why he’s pulled away only to return twice now. We haven’t had a FaceTime chat since before Christmas and not really managed any long texting conversations either, so I haven’t had the right opportunity to ask him what he actually wants from me. I do think that I’ve surprised him (as well as myself!) with how I’ve behaved and perhaps I’ve become an enigma to him. I’ve been fairly good recently at waiting until he texts me first and doing my best to keep things in perspective but it’s so hard. I think about him all the time. I honestly don’t know what I used to think about when thinking about nothing in particular. It’s as if he’s become my default setting.

I used to keep a regular diary in my teens and early twenties and wish I had kept them so I could look back on our brief time together 20 years ago. I do remember a couple of dates we had really well and the last time I saw him back then. Perhaps I’m just being nostalgic and wishing for something that was never meant to be anyway.

So, if things happen for a reason, why did he message me that particular day after we’d been Facebook friends for a few years with nothing but the occasional “like” of each other’s posts? I did ask him that last year and he told me “a what if? and a niggly feeling”. Is something more supposed to happen between us or was it just fate’s way of shaking me up? I was happy just plodding along before though, so why did I need shaking up? Maybe that’s just it – I was plodding along doing a good job of kidding myself that I was happy. I don’t know, I could send myself crazy trying to analyse what I’m doing and why. Maybe I’ll try not to think about things at all and trust that what will be will be.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Do things happen for a reason?

  1. I don’t believe things happen for a reason. I believe in entropy: the diffusion of focused energy into chaos. Everything experiences entropy. Your life has. What felt before like a clear path and simple, straight line has become confused, chaotic, and tangled. It’s inevitable, because it’s a universal process.
    I don’t have advice for you except for you to reread your words. You don’t think Rob is that into you. I agree with that assessment. He’s probably enjoying the idea that someone is attracted to him/wants him. The idea of an alternative to his wife is no doubt ego-boosting. Even if he has no plans to take that alternative. The chaos it creates in your headspace isn’t something he worries about. That’s not what you want in a partner. You’re conflating the idea of Rob with the reality of Rob.
    What purpose Rob can serve for you, though, is two-fold: it can shine a light on how you feel about your own marriage, and it can give you the confidence to make a change if you want. But I caution you not to make a change based on a maybe/what-if with Rob. Go on as though you will have neither man in the end. Because he’s showing you now that he’s not in the same place as you. Instead of fighting entropy, he’s bringing it with him.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s