I’ve often believed that things happen for a reason but I’m finding it difficult at the moment to see that reason.
My texting affair is so frustrating. Rob makes me feel so passionate and I really do want to see where it might go, though I’m increasingly believing it will go nowhere. That even though he started it, ultimately he doesn’t want to risk his marriage by getting physical. I can’t blame him for that but it does make me wonder why he started it in the first place and why he’s pulled away only to return twice now. We haven’t had a FaceTime chat since before Christmas and not really managed any long texting conversations either, so I haven’t had the right opportunity to ask him what he actually wants from me. I do think that I’ve surprised him (as well as myself!) with how I’ve behaved and perhaps I’ve become an enigma to him. I’ve been fairly good recently at waiting until he texts me first and doing my best to keep things in perspective but it’s so hard. I think about him all the time. I honestly don’t know what I used to think about when thinking about nothing in particular. It’s as if he’s become my default setting.
I used to keep a regular diary in my teens and early twenties and wish I had kept them so I could look back on our brief time together 20 years ago. I do remember a couple of dates we had really well and the last time I saw him back then. Perhaps I’m just being nostalgic and wishing for something that was never meant to be anyway.
So, if things happen for a reason, why did he message me that particular day after we’d been Facebook friends for a few years with nothing but the occasional “like” of each other’s posts? I did ask him that last year and he told me “a what if? and a niggly feeling”. Is something more supposed to happen between us or was it just fate’s way of shaking me up? I was happy just plodding along before though, so why did I need shaking up? Maybe that’s just it – I was plodding along doing a good job of kidding myself that I was happy. I don’t know, I could send myself crazy trying to analyse what I’m doing and why. Maybe I’ll try not to think about things at all and trust that what will be will be.