Guilt

I don’t feel guilty about my affair when I look at my husband. I merely feel sad that I know he loves me and I don’t feel the same. I know he would be shocked and devastated if he found out and that would make me feel bad, but only for hurting him, not regret for what I’m doing.

However, I do feel guilty every Sunday morning in church. Even though I rarely get to listen to the whole service due to running the Sunday School at the back, the prayer of penitence always seems to stand out and last Sunday I felt close to tears listening to the sermon and was very grateful I was sitting where I was so that no-one would notice. I think it’s the whole resisting temptation and not succumbing to sin that makes me feel guilty. I’ve always been a ‘good girl’, but though it makes me feel like confessing my sin, I also know that I won’t because confessing would mean stopping and changing my behaviour and I don’t want to do that.

Rob texted me Sunday night and we had an interesting conversation. He asked me if I felt any guilt, if I wanted short term or long term and was it just sex? I told him that I haven’t felt guilty so far (he said he hasn’t either) and that I didn’t know how I would feel if we meet but I don’t want to stop yet. He managed to side step replying to the same question but said “I won’t be leaving ….. But I want you. X” I never asked that and am not sure why he made that statement. For all either of us knows, we could meet but not feel a spark at all in the reality of being face to face in which case, that would be that. I’m wondering now if he’s worried about my feelings for him or about his feelings for me? Did he make that statement to make sure I know where I stand or because he’s actually considered it?
All I know is I really hope we do get to meet.

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