I read a comment on another blog about how a woman can lose her libido due a build of contempt and that rang true, so thought I’d post about that.
Tom has always had a temper and been one for bad moods. His moods used to bother me a lot, but when I realised it wasn’t usually my fault, I did my best to just ignore him until he came round. It did, and does, still bother me though, and sometimes he is in such a foul mood, he can rant and rave for ages. The slightest thing can set him off too. If he’s misplaced something, which happens a lot, he will ask if I’ve seen said item, but in such an accusatory tone of voice, it often feels as though he’s accusing me of moving it deliberately.
His unsociability annoys me as well. I feel this has got worse over time, though perhaps, that in part, is my own fault. He stopped accompanying me to most meals at my parents a long time ago and doesn’t like entertaining at home so I gradually stopped bothering inviting people round. Perhaps I should have been more insistent on entertaining at home, then he would have to have joined in or made himself scarce. He doesn’t like my best friend, so again, we don’t socialise as couples at all. I see a bit more of his friends and their wives, but still only for the occasional meal out, more often it’s when the wives and children join the husbands at the pub.
I’m quite a submissive person though I do have an inner strength at times. I think that’s down to my upbringing as my parents were quite strict. It does mean I’m not always confident in my own abilities and sometimes need encouragement. I’m not sexually experienced at all. I’ve had a few fumbles but only ever slept with my husband who has had more experience. He has told me I’m boring in bed, which didn’t help my confidence, and when I once tried to do a sexy dance a long time ago, he laughed at me, so that put me off trying anything else. I have worn kinky outfits for him which he likes, but they don’t really do anything for me as I feel slutty and uncomfortable rather than sexy in them. Probably the last time I wore one was when our son was conceived. My libido returned briefly then though I think now that was down to my broodiness and ticking body clock as it soon went again. Having a child also affected my libido I’m sure. I felt my bits were traumatised after giving birth and I was scared sex was going to hurt long after my stitches had healed. James was exclusively breastfed and a poor sleeper which didn’t help either. My breasts were for feeding my child and not for playing with. It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re tired out and have leaky boobs, not to mention having more wobbly bits than before! I think more resentment has grown due to our son too. I’m always the one who gets up with him. This has now created a self fulfilling circle as Tom never got up with him, so now on the rare occasion he offers, James doesn’t want him and keeps shouting for me. Even first thing in the morning, I think Tom has got up with James maybe a dozen times, if that, in 5 years. I’ve never really been one for having a lay in anyway, but that’s just as well, as I so rarely get the opportunity. James is an early riser and if we are all at home together, I get frustrated that we’ve been up so long before Tom joins us and the day is wasted. I’m also the one who disciplines our son most as Tom just cannot deal with tantrums at all and either gives in or storms off because he can’t cope which is no help to me.
Reading back over this, I do have a lot of resentment! Maybe it’s not surprising that my ‘positive thoughts about Tom resolution’ is not really affecting my feelings. I feel as though he is trying in some ways but I don’t know if it’s too little too late.