Tom and I have been talking and we’ve both raised issues and acknowledged that we’ve had problems for a long time. I think at first he thought I would be back to normal after getting things off my chest, as the day after our first chat he asked if I was feeling better and seemed surprised when I said not. He said he doesn’t want to be a part-time dad only seeing his child at weekends and set days of the week and arguing with me over access. I’ve suggested that we have more trips out as a family and that when we eat out it’s somewhere other than a pub. He said he will try not to drink in front of James.
He feels our sex life is an issue but thought it had been better recently! I admitted that I’ve been doing my duty rather than actually wanting sex. I agreed it’s an issue and told him I thought I’d lost my confidence and libido several years ago after he’d been harshly critical of me. He said he remembered and that it was because he was frustrated with me as he was trying to show me how to do it better but I wasn’t co-operating. He wants me to talk dirty to him and to watch some pornography to get some tips on how to satisfy a man (he did say it’s good sometimes). I just don’t feel comfortable with that. Even though I was texting stuff to Rob, I was braver because it was on my phone; I wasn’t actually saying it out loud and he also had a way of encouraging me as well as just making me feel horny in general!
I can’t remember the last time I looked at my husband and thought “I want sex with you”. It’s more of a “we’re both at home today and our son is at school so I ought to suggest some nookie because I know he’ll be wanting it and I should do my duty”.
Yesterday we were both at home and we worked well together removing the old tiles from the kitchen floor in readiness for when the kitchen fitters come on the 10th April. He joked about our old appliances saying he should keep them in his shed in case he ends up living in there when I divorce him. When we’d finished he said I’d been a good help and he thought we’d worked well together. I agreed, then he suggested we both needed rewarding with sex before collecting James from school. I told him I didn’t want to.
We had another talk last night and he said he didn’t realise how his past actions have affected me. I admitted that I should have spoken up earlier. I told him about my New Year Resolution to record something positive about him each day. He doesn’t seem to want to accept that my feelings towards him have changed over the years and keeps mentioning my hormones and/or depression. We’ve agreed to get the kitchen sorted (which is stressful I admit – from all the decisions about how I wanted it to be and the upheaval of actually having it all done) and put our changes into place. He said he wants me to be happy whatever that takes so we’ll see.
I think now that Rob came back into my life to show me that my libido hadn’t died and that there is still a passion in me that very much wants to come out. Whether I can regain some passion in my marriage or not, only time will tell. I don’t think I can live the rest of my life without the hope of feeling that passion again though, so if I can’t get those feelings back towards my husband then we will have to accept that we’re over.