Tom seems to think having more sex will make things better. We had another talk on Sunday and he said he needs sex to make him feel good and keep him in a good mood. I told him I thought it was more emotional for me and admitted that I haven’t felt attracted to him in a long time and don’t think I’ve been in love with him for a long time either. He told me that he’d thought that for a long time too and asked why I hadn’t mentioned it before. I said I didn’t think I’d wanted to admit it to myself or to him. We still ended up having sex but it felt weird knowing that he knows I’m just doing my duty and I felt I couldn’t even pretend to be in the moment.
He keeps wanting to cuddle me all the time and says he’s going to be “the best husband ever” because he loves me so much. I’m just not feeling the same and if anything it makes me feel worse as I can’t pretend anymore.
I broached this last night and he said that’s why he reckons more kissing, cuddling and sex would help as it would bring us closer. I told him I wasn’t feeling it that way and if anything it felt weird. Although he’d seemed to be understanding what I was saying before then, I don’t think he’d actually taken in my meaning until that moment. He then asked if I’d ever loved him at all and had I ever even wanted to marry him. He said he knew within a couple of weeks of knowing me that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life; married me with that intention and still feels the same. I said I also married him with that intention but that feelings change and I can’t spend the next 20 plus years plodding on, feeling like I do now. I asked if he’d rather I’d kept pretending and not said anything at all. He said I haven’t spoken up enough in the past and that we might not be in this state if I had.
I went to bed and he joined me later before saying I’d turned him upside down and he’d always done his best for me but thought I must have never loved him. He then went and slept on the sofa. He got up early for work and came in the bedroom to get dressed but never spoke a word.
In the meantime, one of my friends who has a boy a few years older than James, happened to ask if myself and James wanted to join them for a weeks holiday at the end of May. I mentioned the idea to Tom and said I thought it would be a good thing. He agreed and so my friend booked it. I’m looking forward to the break and the time apart.