I had a good chat with my best friend last weekend. We met for lunch to celebrate her birthday and it was nice to have some child free time together for a proper chat. I admitted to her that I don’t think there is anything Tom can do to win me back so to speak. She joked that I’ve probably had more sex than her over the last few weeks but understood how I’m struggling with trying to improve things with Tom. He’d asked me again how I felt and when I said no different, the following day he told me he’d felt very depressed and says he knows I want to divorce him and what will he do?
My friend asked how long I will keep trying for. I told her I’m not going to make any decisions until after my holiday. I think the time apart will help to give us both some breathing space, but ultimately, I think I have already made my mind up that I want to be on my own.
I also managed to have a short chat with my mum last week. I told her that I have no doubt that Tom loves me, but she said, “sometimes that not enough though” and asked if the spark had gone, which I admitted it had. She said she just wanted me to be happy and would always be there for me.
Last night Tom told me that a man just needs to feel wanted and that he hasn’t felt I’ve wanted him for years. I apologised – I’ve obviously been pretending longer than I thought and not very convincingly! He said that’s why he’s spent more time at the pub as he felt better out of the way. He said he appreciates that I want to try, but he needs to know what he can do to help. I told him I don’t know; that I want to feel in love and feel passion. He said he doesn’t think I’ve ever felt passionate towards him. Maybe he’s right. I’m sure I was in love with him in the beginning, but maybe my judgement was clouded because he’s the only person I’ve ever slept with. I’d waited a long time for the “right one” and maybe he was the right one at the time, but not forever.
I honestly don’t think that we can mend things. I can’t rekindle feelings that aren’t there for me and haven’t been for a long time. I think Tom also knows this, but doesn’t want to admit it yet. He said this morning “Can’t you just put on a happy face and go back to pretending? You’ve done it this long, so why change now?” Because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this, that’s why!