Tom took me for a night out last night. We went to see a couple of tribute bands at our local town’s annual gala. He’d invited another couple though he was hoping they weren’t going to come as he wanted it to be just us. We got there early and soon ran out of conversation, especially when Tom asked “What are we going to do?” I felt a bit put on the spot, as before setting out, Tom had said he felt nervous about the evening and hoped we would have a good time. He then asked if I even want my feelings to change. I replied that I don’t know if they can. I was relieved when his friends joined us as I ended up enjoying the evening and don’t think I would have otherwise.
When we got home, I went straight to bed and didn’t realise until I woke this morning, that Tom had slept in our son’s bed. (James had stayed at my parents for the night) Apparently I’d sounded dismissive when he asked if I wanted to have another night out together after we got in. This morning he said he wasn’t going to leave and that I should think about moving out. This afternoon he apologised for being angry and said he wanted us to be friends, though he’s not going to try to “win me back” anymore as he doesn’t see the point. Personally, I believe we need to consider a trial separation. I haven’t broached it yet as I’m not sure how we would work it. I want to cause as little disruption to James as possible but if Tom refuses to leave then James and myself could probably stay with my parents for while.
Really, it would be easy if a magic wand could be waved and I could fancy him again, but that’s not going to happen. It’s like in telling him how I feel (or don’t feel), a switch has been flicked and I can’t flick it back. Years ago, my boyfriend before Tom proposed to me – the whole down on one knee, ring produced etc – as he said the words it was as though that switch was pressed and I suddenly thought “Shit, I don’t want to marry you”. When my mind is made up, that’s it. The difficulty now is all the other stuff that will have to be sorted out. I think that’s why I’ve denied my lack of feelings for so long.
I don’t want to lose my house – I love my new kitchen – but at the end of the day, it’s just bricks and mortar and I can make a home elsewhere if needed.