I haven’t re-read my posts for awhile so apologies if I’m repeating myself.
During our recent conversations, which are still difficult, I have admitted to Tom that I don’t believe I’ve ever really ‘let myself go’ with him in the bedroom department. He said he knows and that he’s tried hard but thinks that’s just how I am. Certainly now I can’t as I don’t really want to be there. My body reacts to a point but my mind drifts away to think about other things. Imagining what it might be like with Rob, if I’m lucky; but more often to thinking about what else I could be doing such as making a shopping list or getting on with housework, or even if this is how a prostitute feels.
For years I’ve used lubricant as I’ve been quite dry. I thought it was my libido and that that’s just what happens when you’ve been together a long time. Maybe it is just what happens but I know now it’s not my libido as I only have to receive a text from Rob to feel aroused. In our texts and FaceTime chats I’ve said and done things that I’ve never felt inclined to with my husband. It’s like he’s woken a passion in me that’s been dormant all this time and now I’ve had a glimpse of it, I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without it ever having chance to erupt to it’s full potential. We managed a short FaceTime last week and I told him I don’t know how he has the effect on me that he does. He said the feeling is mutual.
I don’t know whether I’ve been repressed all my life or just with the wrong man. I think I need to push Rob for us to meet so I can answer that question. If he’s genuine about his feelings then he surely must be getting as frustrated as I am and after all, he’s the one who keeps saying he wants us to meet up. If he goes quiet on me again then I really will have to be strong.