I found out yesterday that my next door neighbour may have lung cancer. He’s having a biopsy but has shadows over both lungs. His youngest son is one year older than James and his wife is due to have a operation next week too. That together with the events in Spain made me think I’m selfish for not being happy with what I have, but it also made me think that life is too short to not make the most of every opportunity.
Two nights ago Rob and I had a two hour text conversation which became a bit of a heart to heart. I’ve kept thinking that his quiet episodes have been due to him feeling conflicted about what we’re doing and I’m now more inclined than ever to believe this. He asked if I wanted a one off or more and if we were leaving our spouses. I told him I think I want more and asked if he felt the same. He said he does. Last night we chatted again and I asked him if this is what he wanted to happen when he got in touch with me. He said it was, though he didn’t think I would too. I asked if he’d done anything like this before and he said not. We still haven’t yet arranged to meet in person, which I think we really need to do. I don’t think it will be possible for the next few weeks as it’s the school holidays meaning we’re both pretty busy, but hopefully it will happen eventually.
Maybe I’m being naive or wanting too much, but I do think he is being genuine or at least I believe he means it when he says he loves me, even if it is just in those moments.
Rob texted me not long after my last post! He apologised and said he’d been “absurdly busy with all manner of family stuff”, then asked if I’d had a good birthday. I’ve played it a bit cool with him. I appreciate that he may well have been very busy but after all, it takes all of 30 seconds to send a Happy Birthday text!
I’m glad I posted my frustrations on here instead of texting him.
I’m so stupid, believing your ‘love you’s’
Thinking that you feel the way I do
When it’s just fun for you
I’m just a toy to you
To pick up when you’re bored
With nothing else to do
I didn’t want much, Just to know I crossed your mind
On my birthday, Didn’t need a gift of any kind
A text, two words would have done
All you had to say
But nothing at all
I waited all day
Please don’t treat me like this
It isn’t fair
I need to know that you really care
if you want me then let it show
But if you don’t, then let me go
Last week there was a lot of messaging between Rob and I and we had a phone call too on Thursday during which he asked if I would be free this coming Wednesday to meet up! That was the only day I had definite plans! He asked me to let him know when would be a good time for him to call me again so we could sort something out. Our phone call ended with him saying “love you” and I reciprocated. We texted some more on Friday then quiet over the weekend which is often the case. Yesterday was my birthday and I heard nothing from him. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting a gift of any kind, just a “happy birthday” text. I guess he scared himself by actually suggesting a date. If I had been free, he would probably have only stood me up anyway.
As for my actual celebrations, we had a family meal out which was nice (though eating out meant Tom could also fit in a few pints too whilst I drove – no birthday tipple until I got home) and today we have a family day out planned.
I’ve been a bit quiet as my internet has been down but it’s fixed now. Hooray! Surprising how much I actually use it and really missed it.
An update on my life then. Tom has cancelled our next counselling session as he doesn’t feel the lady can do anymore for us. I don’t think it can help any further either as in I don’t expect my feelings towards him will change. I’m kind of resigned to carrying on with the status quo. After all, we don’t argue and in fact we are communicating better now than before. I don’t fancy him and find intimacy hard but trying to bear with it for now. He knows my feelings haven’t changed though he hopes they will. If Tom and I do split, then I want to be in a reasonable financial situation. I don’t think I will ever be able to buy out his share of the house but I’m going to try and save what I can so that I at least have a chance of something decent should it come to that.
Rob is keeping in touch and showing no signs of cooling off. We’re still dancing around actually meeting up, but I think he knows that if he disappears on me again then that will be that. I do believe his feelings for me are genuine. I don’t ask about his feelings for his wife and he doesn’t ask me about Tom. He has asked if I feel any guilt and says he hasn’t either. Maybe, like Tom he doesn’t want to be a “part-time” dad. I’m not going to speculate on his home life as that won’t do me any favours, but I do know we aren’t going to be running off together into the sunset.
I am feeling a lot more content at the moment so I’m not going to think about the future, but just enjoy what I have right now.
Yesterday was our annual village gala. It’s a combined effort between the village hall committee and the school, with lot of stalls, games and fun. This year was the first year that we participated in running the event. After attending one of the planning meetings, I asked Tom if he would be willing to help run a game and he agreed, even borrowing some stands from his work. Our game proved popular and it was a lovely fun day. Some of our friends visited the gala and one commented that she never thought she would see Tom doing anything like that.
We do work well together as a team but there is nothing but friendship on my side. Maybe that’s all most long-term relationships become. Maybe I’m being greedy and selfish wanting more.
This morning on the school run, I saw one of the mums having a very public row with her partner. They were swearing at each other with their children hanging back not knowing what to do. I had seen the same couple at the gala, holding hands and looking as though they were enjoying their day. It did cross my mind that is most definitely not the sort of passion that I dream of!