Fallen to temptation

I thought I was being strong, even though Rob is always on my mind, I wasn’t going to contact him. Then he texted me; “I really hope you’re well. Tried to shut you out. But I miss you far too much. X”

It took me completely by surprise as I really didn’t expect to hear from him again, even though there was a part of me that hoped I would. I’m sorry to say I deliberated for all of five minutes then replied that I miss him too.

Feel free to tell me I’m a fool; weak; helpless; only hurting myself in the long run. I’ve told myself all that but it absolutely made my day to hear from him and to think that he’s maybe as addicted to me as I am to him. This was a couple of weeks ago and we have kept in touch since. I’m a lost cause.

Conversation timings

Do all men like to start difficult conversations at inopportune times?
Today, Tom asked for a cuddle and he kissed me. He then asked if I like kissing. I used to love kissing. I could kiss for hours. I’m sure if I’d said “I used to love kissing you but now I’m not really bothered”, he wouldn’t have been impressed. I actually said “It’s alright”. I don’t think that went down any better. I told him I don’t feel any spark and he said he’s not entirely sure he does and that he’s sure that’s normal after several years together. He still thinks I’m just going though a phase, even though the other week he reckoned I haven’t loved him for 10 years – pretty long phase then.
He said he’s worried that I’m going to return from my holiday and ask for a divorce. I told him I’m looking forward to the holiday as I do think we need some time apart. We couldn’t continue any further as his friend arrived to pick him up for an afternoon at the pub. He returned in a strop as James had just gone to bed and has avoided me for the rest of the evening.
Why bring up a difficult topic when you know; a) you’re not going to hear what you want to hear and b) you know you haven’t got time for a full discussion and that will only leave awkwardness later.
Part of me wishes I’d never said anything at all, though I do actually feel better in myself for it. The thought of separating is scary, but not that I fear being on my own, more the process of sorting things out like finances, child access and all that palaver. I worry about the affect on our son, but I also think that happy parents who live apart must be better in the long term than parents who live together but become increasingly more miserable. The thought of being in the same place in another 10, 20 years, feels me with dread as then it could well be too late to make a break.

I think it’s over

I had a good chat with my best friend last weekend. We met for lunch to celebrate her birthday and it was nice to have some child free time together for a proper chat. I admitted to her that I don’t think there is anything Tom can do to win me back so to speak. She joked that I’ve probably had more sex than her over the last few weeks but understood how I’m struggling with trying to improve things with Tom. He’d asked me again how I felt and when I said no different, the following day he told me he’d felt very depressed and says he knows I want to divorce him and what will he do?

My friend asked how long I will keep trying for. I told her I’m not going to make any decisions until after my holiday. I think the time apart will help to give us both some breathing space, but ultimately, I think I have already made my mind up that I want to be on my own.

I also managed to have a short chat with my mum last week. I told her that I have no doubt that Tom loves me, but she said, “sometimes that not enough though” and asked if the spark had gone, which I admitted it had. She said she just wanted me to be happy and would always be there for me.

Last night Tom told me that a man just needs to feel wanted and that he hasn’t felt I’ve wanted him for years. I apologised – I’ve obviously been pretending longer than I thought and not very convincingly! He said that’s why he’s spent more time at the pub as he felt better out of the way. He said he appreciates that I want to try, but he needs to know what he can do to help. I told him I don’t know; that I want to feel in love and feel passion. He said he doesn’t think I’ve ever felt passionate towards him. Maybe he’s right. I’m sure I was in love with him in the beginning, but maybe my judgement was clouded because he’s the only person I’ve ever slept with. I’d waited a long time for the “right one” and maybe he was the right one at the time, but not forever.

I honestly don’t think that we can mend things. I can’t rekindle feelings that aren’t there for me and haven’t been for a long time. I think Tom also knows this, but doesn’t want to admit it yet. He said this morning “Can’t you just put on a happy face and go back to pretending? You’ve done it this long, so why change now?” Because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this, that’s why!

No change

Tom is trying hard. We’ve been out for dinner a few times, though we’ve been having the kitchen done so not really had much alternative; he’s being more helpful around the house and he’s constantly giving me compliments. For my part, I’m showing willing when he wants to be affectionate, but I’m just not feeling it at all. If anything, I actually feel more uncomfortable since admitting my feelings (or lack of). At this moment I really can’t see my feelings changing and I’m counting down to my holiday and the time apart. He jokes that I hate him. I don’t hate him, I just don’t feel anything towards him at all.

Feeling a bit flat

I still think about Rob, a lot.
This time last year I felt on such a high, though I knew deep down that it wouldn’t last and I could only crash down. I’m feeling more emotionally stable now, if not happy, at least I’m no longer on the roller coaster that I’ve been on for the last few months. The frustration in me gradually building up the longer it went since his last text before the euphoria of hearing from him. I still feel tension building up in me during each day, even though I know I’m not going to hear from him again. (and yes, I am strong enough not to contact him. If my thoughts do stray in that direction, I remind myself why I ended it) I think it’s the frustration of my situation and the what ifs that keep running wild in my head. I don’t regret it. The highs, especially this time last year, were amazing. I know it was mainly the fantasy of my imagination combined with his flattering comments and (empty) promises that drove me wild, but I don’t think I would have done anything differently. I just wish that I could keep my thoughts in check now. If only closing a chapter of life’s journey in your mind was as easy as turning the page in a book.

Easter Sunday

Thought today was going to be a bit of a disaster, but it turned out not so bad. Tom had agreed to come to my parents for a family dinner and an Easter Egg hunt for the kids. This afternoon though he asked if I was still feeling the same. When I said I was, he said he hadn’t wanted to hear that and that he’d wasted the last however many years loving me when I didn’t love him back. He then phoned my mum and informed her that he wouldn’t be joining us because her daughter hasn’t loved him for 10 years! They were chatting for a while. I heard some of the conversation, including my mum saying that she never thought we were compatible; that Tom wasn’t marriage material and he should have stayed a bachelor! He later asked me if I wanted him to go with me or not. I told him that I felt he had asked if there had been a change in my feelings deliberately to give him a reason not to go as he doesn’t like going there anyway. He asked if it would help if he came after all and I replied that it couldn’t do any harm.

I think my parents were surprised that he accompanied myself and James, and we actually had a good evening. He did go and speak to my parents during the visit. I don’t know what was said. My mum didn’t ask me anything. My dad just asked if I was ok. I hadn’t really said much at all to them before today, (and I didn’t talk to them today either) though I had told my mum that we had had words and that I’m booked on a “Mums and sons” only holiday with my friend. I’ve wanted to talk to my mum about it but as I’ve said before, I don’t find it easy to talk to her about stuff and I know she will say “I told you so”.

I do actually feel a bit more positive tonight, so for now it’s “keep trying”.

Confusing emotions

I don’t know how I feel at all the moment. I’m not sure if I’ve shut myself off emotionally from my husband as a result of my feelings for Rob, or whether I had lost my feelings anyway.

Sex with my husband has been ok. He has spent time on me which is appreciated, but although enjoyable, I still feel detached. He is making an effort in other areas too. He went and got some smarter shorts (after years of wearing cut off ex army camouflage pants), he keeps complementing me and has helped more round the house. A couple of days ago I felt things seemed to be improving and we may actually come out of this stronger.

However, yesterday was the 17 year anniversary of us meeting (Tom always remembers as it’s his mums birthday) and also Rob’s birthday. I couldn’t help thinking of him a lot and I refused my husband’s advances last night as I really wasn’t in the right frame of mind at all. This evening he wanted “cuddle time” and whilst I participated, I wasn’t feeling any emotional connection at all.

The affair; whilst clarifying, and bringing to a head, the problems in my marriage; has also confused matters in that I don’t seem to know how I feel. I don’t think I can set a time limit on working to save my marriage, but equally I don’t want to end up drifting along again. I guess I have to give my heart time to recover and reset. I know Tom does love me but today I’m not feeling too confident that my love for him can be rekindled.