Playing it cool

Rob texted me not long after my last post! He apologised and said he’d been “absurdly busy with all manner of family stuff”, then asked if I’d had a good birthday. I’ve played it a bit cool with him. I appreciate that he may well have been very busy but after all, it takes all of 30 seconds to send a Happy Birthday text!

I’m glad I posted my frustrations on here instead of texting him.

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I’m so stupid

I’m so stupid, believing your ‘love you’s’
Thinking that you feel the way I do
When it’s just fun for you
I’m just a toy to you
To pick up when you’re bored
With nothing else to do

I didn’t want much, Just to know I crossed your mind
On my birthday, Didn’t need a gift of any kind
A text, two words would have done
All you had to say
But nothing at all
I waited all day

Please don’t treat me like this
It isn’t fair
I need to know that you really care
if you want me then let it show
But if you don’t, then let me go

Birthday blues

Last week there was a lot of messaging between Rob and I and we had a phone call too on Thursday during which he asked if I would be free this coming Wednesday to meet up! That was the only day I had definite plans! He asked me to let him know when would be a good time for him to call me again so we could sort something out. Our phone call ended with him saying “love you” and I reciprocated. We texted some more on Friday then quiet over the weekend which is often the case. Yesterday was my birthday and I heard nothing from him. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting a gift of any kind, just a “happy birthday” text. I guess he scared himself by actually suggesting a date. If I had been free, he would probably have only stood me up anyway.

As for my actual celebrations, we had a family meal out which was nice (though eating out meant Tom could also fit in a few pints too whilst I drove – no birthday tipple until I got home) and today we have a family day out planned.

Back online

I’ve been a bit quiet as my internet has been down but it’s fixed now. Hooray! Surprising how much I actually use it and really missed it.

An update on my life then. Tom has cancelled our next counselling session as he doesn’t feel the lady can do anymore for us. I don’t think it can help any further either as in I don’t expect my feelings towards him will change. I’m kind of resigned to carrying on with the status quo. After all, we don’t argue and in fact we are communicating better now than before. I don’t fancy him and find intimacy hard but trying to bear with it for now. He knows my feelings haven’t changed though he hopes they will. If Tom and I do split, then I want to be in a reasonable financial situation. I don’t think I will ever be able to buy out his share of the house but I’m going to try and save what I can so that I at least have a chance of something decent should it come to that.

Rob is keeping in touch and showing no signs of cooling off. We’re still dancing around actually meeting up, but I think he knows that if he disappears on me again then that will be that. I do believe his feelings for me are genuine. I don’t ask about his feelings for his wife and he doesn’t ask me about Tom. He has asked if I feel any guilt and says he hasn’t either. Maybe, like Tom he doesn’t want to be a “part-time” dad. I’m not going to speculate on his home life as that won’t do me any favours, but I do know we aren’t going to be running off together into the sunset.

I am feeling a lot more content at the moment so I’m not going to think about the future, but just enjoy what I have right now.

Fun day

Yesterday was our annual village gala. It’s a combined effort between the village hall committee and the school, with lot of stalls, games and fun. This year was the first year that we participated in running the event. After attending one of the planning meetings, I asked Tom if he would be willing to help run a game and he agreed, even borrowing some stands from his work. Our game proved popular and it was a lovely fun day. Some of our friends visited the gala and one commented that she never thought she would see Tom doing anything like that.

We do work well together as a team but there is nothing but friendship on my side. Maybe that’s all most long-term relationships become. Maybe I’m being greedy and selfish wanting more.

This morning on the school run, I saw one of the mums having a very public row with her partner. They were swearing at each other with their children hanging back not knowing what to do. I had seen the same couple at the gala, holding hands and looking as though they were enjoying their day. It did cross my mind that is most definitely not the sort of passion that I dream of!

Fourth Counselling

I came away this time not feeling as though it was proving very helpful. I think Tom felt the same, though that was maybe more to do with me saying I didn’t fancy him and have felt negatively towards him whilst the lady was discussing intimacy with us. She gave us some pointers on ways to improve intimacy and closeness without having sex – more cuddles, holding hands and making time to spend together. I don’t actually feel as though that is something I want at the moment.

Tom said he feels I’ve never given him much affection even from the start of our marriage; that he’s come home from work expecting a hug and I haven’t seemed too bothered to see him. He also said he thinks our son doesn’t like cuddles and kisses because of me! Well I get plenty of hugs from him!

When we got home, Tom said he thought I was emotionally hard and I think he is right to a point. I don’t tend to open up about my feelings. I told him I resented him saying that James not wanting cuddles is down to me and that I think children go through phases of how affectionate or not they want to be and shouldn’t feel pushed into cuddles or kisses if they don’t want to.

I think we are communicating better, in that we don’t keep quiet anymore if we feel put out by something the other has said or done. Feelings wise, it’s just friendship that I feel towards him.

Drunken rant

Last night we went to the local beer festival. Tom’s brother’s band were the headline act and they are very good. We had a good night until we got home! Tom asked if I’d had fun which I answered positively, then asked if my feelings towards him were changing. I said not at the moment which then triggered a rant from him. He accused me of stringing him along for years and declared that I should leave and that he would keep the house and our son. I told him I couldn’t go anywhere as I’d been drinking and therefore couldn’t drive. I also said he should stop asking me about my feelings if he didn’t want to hear the answer.

Today I collected James from my parents who had looked after him overnight, and when I returned home Tom asked if I might be up for sex later! I had assumed last night that he wouldn’t remember anything this morning, but was still surprised. In the past I would have just let it go, but today I pulled him up on it and said I was surprised he was wanting sex when last night he’d demanded I leave. He denied he had said anything of the sort, so I recalled our full conversation. He apologised and claimed not to remember any of it at all. He told me he loves me to bits and does not want me to leave and that it doesn’t matter to him if I don’t love him. He then amended that to say he wants me to love him back but would rather me stay and not love him, than be without me.

I have wondered this afternoon what I would have done had I not been drinking last night. Would I have called his bluff and actually gone?