Shocked for a moment

I had a couple of moments of shock this morning. Firstly, James shouted for “Daddy” when he woke at 6.20am, then secondly, Tom got up and went in to him! I managed to doze until my alarm went at 7am which was nice.
Normal service was soon resumed though as I did breakfast and the school run while he went back to bed. He surfaced at 9.45am then ate his dinner from last night which was still in the oven and is currently asleep again on the sofa. 🙄

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Hope for romantics

I was at a kids party at the weekend and one of the mums was telling us all how her father was getting married again at 75 years old. She said her mum had died several years ago and the lady her father is marrying had lost her husband too. She said she never imagined she would see him remarry but is really happy for him.

A couple of my customers at work the other day told me they were celebrating their first wedding anniversary. They were in their late 70s and had known each other all their lives. The man had always loved the lady, but she had married someone else. He had never married, but after her first husband died, they spent more time together and he finally got his woman!

Another lady in her 80s told us she had been married three times and it was “third time lucky” as her third marriage had lasted 40 years until her husband passed away. Apparently, he was 10 years younger than her too and she thought he would look after her forever – perhaps she wore him out!

Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic or maybe love really does find a way to bring people together who are meant to be together, no matter how long it takes.

Feeling down

I’m feeling a bit down this week. James was at a friends party at the weekend and I ended up confiding to one of the other mums that I don’t love Tom anymore. She did offer to go out for tea any time I fancy it which was nice of her but she’s not really a close friend and now I’m worrying she’ll be gossiping about me!
I’ve been looking online at houses in the area to get an idea of what sort of place and area I might be able to afford and thinking of telling my mum. Before I could she told me that she doesn’t think my dad is doing too well lately and it makes me think I can’t do anything to cause him stress and worry.
I feel like I need a really good cry but I haven’t the opportunity this week as Tom is home when I am. He’s not got much work on for the next week or so, which doesn’t help as I’d rather be home alone. I am determined to get him to help me with some decorating. Even if I don’t stay long enough to enjoy it, it will add value to the house.
I just feel trapped at the minute.

Flat and broken

A couple of little dramas have occurred in the last two days.

Firstly, on Sunday morning my car broke down on the way to church. I had stopped to pick up an old lady as I do each week, only as she was getting in the car she told me she’d forgotten something and could I pop in her house to collect it. I turned my engine off and ran the errand, only to find my car wouldn’t start again! I’d left my headlights on and the battery had gone flat. Ooops! I phoned Tom first of all as I know he has some jump leads and that, even though he would be a while getting to me (he would have to cycle to the pub first to retrieve his car then make the 20 minute car journey to where I was), I thought he would want me to call him. He told me to call our roadside recovery agent as he was still in bed and that they would probably get to me faster than him. I called my brother who lives in the village I was at, and he collected my old lady and delivered her to church. James and I waited for the roadside recovery which took an hour but then it only took two minutes for the man to jumpstart my car. In the meantime, Tom must have thought his initial response may have been wrong as he called me back to say he was on his way! I ended up arranging to meet him at a shop where he got me a new car battery and fitted it for me.

Last night I was at Pantomime rehearsal with my mum and she had an accident. She was on stage acting as a stand in and a fellow cast member pushed her a little over-exuberantly, causing her to lose her balance and fall over. She said she thought her wrist was broken and after taking her to A&E that was confirmed. Luckily, it wasn’t too busy and she was seen, X-rayed, plastered, X-rayed again and out in just under 3 hours, which I reckoned was pretty good. By the time I’d dropped her off and got home myself it was after midnight. I suggested that Tom might do the school run next morning as he’s not working until Saturday. However, James ended up getting in bed with me in the early hours so Tom slept downstairs on the sofa.

When I got up with James this morning, Tom’s first words were “I’m not going to school, I’ve not slept a wink on this sofa” and he went back up to bed. I wasn’t surprised.

Maybe I’m being selfish as it seems neither of us had much sleep and if he’d been working, I would have had to get up anyway.

Perhaps the main reason for our marital problems is that neither one of us is very good at putting the other one first. Maybe that’s been the problem all along. Maybe I never loved him enough in the first place to make him a priority.

Just like my car battery and Mum’s arm, my marriage is flat and broken. Unlike, them, I don’t think it can be mended.

Circling closer?

I haven’t posted about Rob in awhile. Things have progressed a little in that he opened up to me a few weeks back explaining why he’d been a bit hit and miss recently. I hadn’t asked him why, he just volunteered the information. Apparently, his mum had been ill for a couple of years but she had recently deteriorated and she then passed away two weeks ago, not long after he told me she was terminally ill. I now wonder if his mum’s illness may have been the trigger for him to get in touch with me in the first place, as life changing events like that often make us stop and take note of where we’re at in our own lives.
We’ve also almost met up! I say almost as we made tentative arrangements but then he had to cancel. He asked me last night if I had any plans for today – fun day of housework and admin- then said he would text me this morning. I half expected nothing, but, true to his word, he did text, though it was to cancel. He is travelling over to my area, but he’s meeting his dad for a solicitors appointment and the timing doesn’t work to see me as well. I’m disappointed but also pleased that he let me know.
I have Kylie’s “The One” in my head right now where there’s a line: “Circling and we’re getting close, can you imagine, just suppose”
Maybe one day.

As for today, my chores are half done but I think I’ll go shopping now and treat myself to something new.

Alcohol

Had my mum and dad round for dinner today. It’s been a long time since I cooked a proper Sunday dinner for more than just the three of us and I have to say I was a bit disappointed with my effort, though my parents said it was nice. Tom managed to fit in a quick visit to the pub before they arrived which means he’s been every day since Tuesday this week. He bought a new bottle of Southern Comfort as he’d gone through the one I’d got in my weekly shop on Monday. This has now depleted by half (shared with my Dad to be fair) but by rough calculation I reckon my husband has consumed over 80 units of alcohol this week. He had a couple of days without drinking a week or two back so in his words “I’m not an alcoholic as I don’t need a drink every day”
Whatever, I don’t care.

Am I being selfish?

I haven’t posted in a while but that’s because there’s no real change to report.
Tom and I had a weekend away with James which was fine until the last night when Tom had far too much to drink and started asking why I wasn’t trying harder, especially in the bedroom department. I advised it wasn’t the best time to be talking about this (we were all in a restaurant at the time) but he said that didn’t matter. Although neither of us was raising our voice, I’m sure James could tell by our tone as he started asking Tom for money as a fine because “you’re not being nice to mummy”. He said if I want to leave then I’m not having the house. I felt resolved to leave and figure something else out.
Since we’ve been home, we have had a chat and I’ve explained that I’m finding sex hard as I can’t pretend anymore and that I don’t know how prostitutes can do it. I said he’s not doing anything wrong but I’m not there emotionally and that affects my performance. He asked if I’d felt like this since before having James and I said yes. He said that was a shame but then said that we’re not splitting up. He doesn’t want to be without me and doesn’t want to be a parttime dad. He wants me to see the GP as he thinks I need HRT and that will “fix” me. I’m considering booking an appointment to appease him, but I know it’s not that. There’s no magic pill to make you love someone. I wish he could just accept that my feelings are gone and that’s that. Instead he’s convinced that I’m broken and he can mend me. I do feel I want to leave and get my own place (I’m not naive enough to believe I’ll be running off into the sunset with Rob) but then I start thinking about everyone else who will be affected. Our parents are all getting older and showing it more now, especially his parents and my dad. I think my mum would actually be ok about it. I worry that if I leave, then that will cause them undue stress, which they don’t need at their time of life. On the other hand, I don’t think I can maintain the status quo for the next 10 years.

Is it better to sacrifice my own potential happiness for the sake of everyone else? Am I just being selfish thinking of myself? Shouldn’t I just be grateful for what I have and believe my husband when he says that all marriages end up like this? I’m feeling a bit stuck at the moment.