James had his 6th birthday party today. He had wanted it at home which was fine as Tom and I are amicable and he agreed to it.
James had stayed with Tom’s parents the night before (as Tom had been to the pub to watch a football match) and he took him to his swimming lesson this morning. I went over and started preparing for the party, ending up vacuuming round and cleaning the bathroom. When Tom and James returned, Tom went for a lay down as he was feeling grumpy (hungover). I couldn’t be bothered to ask why he wasn’t helping to get things ready, it just confirmed that I am doing the right thing. He did come and join the party and made drinks for the mums that stayed and he also complimented me on a job well done at the end. I think we can be/are friends which is good for our son’s sake, but that is all we are.
I have an appointment with a mortgage advisor on Monday so will hopefully be in a position to view houses soon and put in an offer if I see something I like.
I’ve been feeling a bit down this week about Rob and Tom. I’ve been wondering whether I’m doing the right thing leaving Tom. When I see him I feel sorry for him but that’s all it is. I certainly don’t feel I want him and home doesn’t feel like home anymore. He’s been decorating and rearranging things as well. He’s moved some furniture into the shed and brought his drum kit into the living room. I think that has upset me a bit as he’s making the house his own now whereas I have no house yet to do the same. I guess there’s part of me that’s scared about the future and also frustrated because I’m in limbo at the moment until I get my own place.
I’ve also been wishing Rob would get in touch. Stupid of me I know, but he reappeared on Facebook Messenger the Friday before Xmas sending a “X”. I replied with “Xx” but heard no more and he’d disappeared again on Xmas Eve!? I don’t know what’s going on in his head. I hope that he misses me as much as I miss him. Part of me wishes I’d tried to start a conversation with him, rather than replying as I did, however, I felt it was his move. After all, I had texted him twice with no reply before then. I wanted him to ask if I was ok, but maybe the fact that he didn’t speaks volumes. My heart wishes I hadn’t deleted his number, but my head knows I was right to do so. I can’t contact him unless he contacts me, so my New Year resolution is to try to put him out of my mind. It will be far easier said than done and I don’t know how long it will take before I’m not disappointed every time my phone beeps and it’s not him! I do know that I will get there though, eventually.
So, first Christmas for James with his parents apart seemed to go well. He was with Tom for Xmas eve overnight and then returned to me at midday. I had a quiet morning going to church with my parents and helping Mum prepare lunch, before James arrived and my brother, sister in law and nephew. The rest of the day was much louder as the boys were giddy together. As far as James goes, apart from me not being with him for the morning, it wasn’t too different from the last couple of years as we came to my parents for the day anyway. I’d told him beforehand that Santa would leave some presents with Daddy and some with Mummy and he was fine with that. He seems to have had a great day which is the main thing.
I haven’t mentioned Rob since I left Tom. When Tom first found out we’d been texting, I let Rob know as I wasn’t sure if Tom would try to contact him or not. I didn’t expect a reply under the circumstances, but I knew he’d seen my text as he unfriended me on Facebook though he didn’t block me. I took that as a sign he was ‘still there’ so to speak. About two weeks after I’d moved in to my parents I texted him to say I hoped all was well. He didn’t respond. I thought I would leave it a bit longer before contacting him again and I deliberated whether or not to tell him Tom and I have separated. Last Friday he ‘waved’ at me via Messenger and I waved back. I was on my work Christmas party and didn’t see until I’d got home really late, that he’d sent me a ‘secret message’. This was a thumbs up sign. As it was late, I just replied with the same, thinking that he was checking I was ok and he would text me in due course. Now I think he was saying good-bye. I tried to message him on Monday and realised he’d blocked me again. I sent a text message asking if he was ok and saying that I hoped he would be in touch but understood if not. I don’t know whether he will have received it or not, but I’ve had no reply. The sensible part of me knew that this was always the more likely outcome, especially since I got found out. It’s stupid that I’m more upset about this than about my marriage ending, but perhaps that just speaks volumes as to the state of my marriage.
I won’t text Rob again. I’ve deleted his number so I’m not tempted to when I feel weak. I don’t regret any of it, though I am going to miss him so much and I can’t help wondering what might have happened if we’d managed to meet up. I still believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe it was never meant to be anything more than making me wake up and acknowledge my feelings towards Tom and do something about it. After all, there’s no real future with someone who isn’t actually available. Hopefully somewhere down the line I’ll find that mutual passion with someone who is free to actually make it happen. At least with living at my parents I don’t have that much time on my own to dwell on things which can only be a good thing.
My mum was out tonight and Dad ended up “having a chat” with me about my marriage. He’d been drinking I think (didn’t actually see him with a drink but he was slurring and repetitive) so I’m trying not to be too upset. He probably won’t even remember the conversation in the morning. I know he thinks very strongly about marriage which is one of the reasons I haven’t spoken much with my parents before about things. He asked what my feelings were towards Tom. I told him I have no feelings. He said he couldn’t understand that and that if indeed, I felt nothing then perhaps there was a chance Tom could change and I might go back! He kept saying he just wants to help but doesn’t know how and that a child needs both his parents. He asked if I thought Tom might join us on Christmas Day for dinner. I said I thought that would be a bit awkward. He again suggested that he would do what he could to help which I know he meant “to help us get back together and make it work”. I said I didn’t want to go back and that I haven’t missed him since I’ve been gone. I also added that if I did go back it would only be to please everyone else ie. parents, in-laws, Tom and of course James. We kind of finished our conversation there.
I will not let myself be guilted into going back.
James asked me twice over the weekend why we can’t all live together in one house. On Saturday he asked how long we were going to stay at Grans. Then on Sunday when Tom dropped him off, he again said he wanted us to be all together in the same house. I said that sometimes mummy’s and daddy’s get on better when they live in different houses. He said he didn’t want either of us to be lonely. I said that sometimes people can feel more lonely when they’re in the same house as someone else but not getting on very well. We had a cuddle and he seemed ok with that. I wonder if Tom has said something or not. I feel a bit guilty for breaking the family up but I know that if I go back I will feel as though I’m trapped and slowly dying. Surely a happy mummy means a happy child?
Any doubts I may have, I just remind myself of Tom’s text at lunchtime on Sunday asking if he could drop James off half an hour earlier as that would fit better with meeting his brother later. In other words, it was more convenient for him getting to the pub and another reminder that alcohol scores higher on his priorities than time with his son.
I’ve been at my parents for two weeks now and starting to settle into a new routine. James seems to be taking things in his stride. He’s been upset a couple of times when there’s been a particular toy he’s wanted which is at ‘home’ and I’ve said he has to wait until he sees Daddy or we can call for it one day after school, but he’s not had any meltdowns or asked when are we going back. I thought the days Tom picks him up for school or has him over night might cause a problem, but he’s happily been collected by me or dropped off at my parents, without a fuss. As my friend said, it’s things that he’s missing rather than home.
Tom phoned me yesterday afternoon to say he wasn’t coping well, his mum was upset and also one of our pets wasn’t eating – he thought he was pining for me. I wasn’t sure what he was expecting me to say or do. Was he just wanting to let his feelings out or try to guilt me into going back? I feel bad that people are upset by the situation, but I can’t stay with him just to please everybody else. I reminded him about my conversation with the counsellor last summer when I’d said I wanted my own house but felt I couldn’t because it would upset too many people. Tom agrees that I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my happiness for everybody else and he also reiterated that he knows things haven’t been right for years and that this is for the best in the long run; he’s just struggling to accept it. He asked how I can be so strong. I told him I have to be, but that I’ve also done my crying, many times mainly in private.
I suppose I’ve also had more time to get used to the idea as it’s something I’ve wanted for awhile. The difficult part has been actually doing it. Yes, there is a part of me that wonders if it’s the right choice, but I think that’s more from fear of the unknown. I certainly don’t feel as though I’m really missing Tom in any way. I’m looking forward to hopefully, having my own house by this time next year.